My Life

Recently in an exchange on Facebook, a self-identified conservative told me "your life sucks."  This was his comment after I explained my current predicament.  As bad as many aspects of my life are, my life does not suck. I will explain why I can say that.

First my current predicament.  My blood pressure has been dropping steadily over the last two years.  This should be a good thing since I have had hypertension for a number of years.  Until recently I had to take three different medications to control my hypertension.  Now, I only need to take one.  The problem: my family doctor does not know why my blood pressure has improved.  He wants me to see my cardiologist.

In my discussion with my doctor, neither of us mention the potential danger lurking in my brain.  I have a nerve being compressed by something.  Best guess is that a small blood vessel is pressing on the nerve.  The problem is the nerve being compressed is next to the nerve that controls my heart beat.  If the nerve to my heart should be compressed my heart rate might slow or my heart might stop.  I have had the condition about seven years, so have grown less concerned with each passing year.  But my heart rate has dropped and I don't think it is because I am in better condition.  I see a neurologist once a year.  He saw nothing alarming, so maybe this is all a false alarm.

I have tried to convince myself of that because I cannot afford to go to the cardiologist.  My business has been very slow and I am barely making enough to live on.  Ramen noodles are always a way to survive. I have insurance but I must pay $5500 before it will pay.  I pay $837/mo for this insurance.  Why? I had a bone disease as a child - a preexisting condition.  I have also added rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, and diabetes to the mix.  Nothing but the Texas High Risk Pool will touch me.

I could drop the insurance so I could afford to go to the cardiologist.  But if I need brain surgery to remove the pressure I would have no insurance to cover the surgery.  So, I have opted to muddle on and hope that I don't drop dead.

In saying why I support Obama's health care reform, I gave a sketch of my health care dilemma.  The answer I got back was your life sucks, but there are no good reasons for health reform.  I believe I can refute that, but not here.

What I replied to this conservative was that my life does not suck.  Seven years ago, I came to terms with having this thing in my head.  I embraced the Apostle Paul's statement.  "To live is Christ, to die is gain."

I try to act toward others as Christ would have me act and to live one day at a time.  I have failed miserably at times, notably a couple of years ago, when I tried to kill myself, but I do continue to try to believe "to live is Christ."  I know the Comforter is with me even though I do not feel his presence.  I do not struggle alone.

I have more successfully embraced "to die is gain," . I believe that God resurrects us in another world when we die, a world where there is no pain or sickness, only love and light.  Death is only a doorway into a universe of possibility. That is where I long to be.  My life does not suck because I know there is more to come.  Far better to come.

Like Paul I desire to depart the body and be with God.  Yet, I know that God desires me here.  Why?  I don't know.  But I know I must follow God's command.  As long as I believe that, my life has purpose, and I can face another day.

Photo by dr.knitter

Ethics of Dying: Advance Directives

Advance directives, living wills, medical powers of attorney, HIPAA releases, Do-Not-Resuscitate orders, etc. have limits. These are written documents that cannot express all your wishes. The best of them, the medical power of attorney, appoints someone to make your decisions if you are not able to make them. All of them can be fought in court. However, if you have chosen the proper person for you medical power of attorney, that person will stand up for you and make sure your wishes are followed.

If there is disagreement within your family about end-of-life decisions, then frank discussions of your wishes are imperative. You do not seek to change the mind of those opposed to your decisions, only that they will honor them. If, in the worst case, it is clear that your wishes will not be followed, then I would put something in writing to the effect that this person is to be excluded from any health care decision pertaining to me. Be sure to sign, have it witnessed and better yet, notarized. Depending on how serious the conflict, this might be an issue to discuss with an attorney.

Advance directives only work if the hospital and the doctors have them. I recommend that a copy be made of each document and kept in a plastic bag in a readily accessible spot, e.g. taped to the door of the refrigerator, in the refrigerator freezer, in the top drawer of your desk, etc. The person with your medical power of attorney should have a copy of all documents and know where the originals are kept. Don't keep originals in a safety deposit box unless the person who holds your medical power of attorney has access to that box. Even then, I think is is better to keep these documents in a safe place in your residence.

Each time you go to the hospital, even if you were recently hospitalized in the same one, have copies of your documents to be put in your chart or records. Make sure that all your doctors are aware you have executed these documents, and most importantly, communicate your wishes directly to the doctor. Doctors will honor your oral directives if at all possible.

Advance directives work if they have not been done in a vacuum, that is, done on paper but never discussed. I have used directives to make decisions about the end of life successfully. The lack of advance directives can make a difficult time even more horrendous. Ease your loved ones burden and have these documents done.