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My Life

Recently in an exchange on Facebook, a self-identified conservative told me "your life sucks."  This was his comment after I explained my current predicament.  As bad as many aspects of my life are, my life does not suck. I will explain why I can say that.

First my current predicament.  My blood pressure has been dropping steadily over the last two years.  This should be a good thing since I have had hypertension for a number of years.  Until recently I had to take three different medications to control my hypertension.  Now, I only need to take one.  The problem: my family doctor does not know why my blood pressure has improved.  He wants me to see my cardiologist.

In my discussion with my doctor, neither of us mention the potential danger lurking in my brain.  I have a nerve being compressed by something.  Best guess is that a small blood vessel is pressing on the nerve.  The problem is the nerve being compressed is next to the nerve that controls my heart beat.  If the nerve to my heart should be compressed my heart rate might slow or my heart might stop.  I have had the condition about seven years, so have grown less concerned with each passing year.  But my heart rate has dropped and I don't think it is because I am in better condition.  I see a neurologist once a year.  He saw nothing alarming, so maybe this is all a false alarm.

I have tried to convince myself of that because I cannot afford to go to the cardiologist.  My business has been very slow and I am barely making enough to live on.  Ramen noodles are always a way to survive. I have insurance but I must pay $5500 before it will pay.  I pay $837/mo for this insurance.  Why? I had a bone disease as a child - a preexisting condition.  I have also added rheumatoid arthritis, asthma, and diabetes to the mix.  Nothing but the Texas High Risk Pool will touch me.

I could drop the insurance so I could afford to go to the cardiologist.  But if I need brain surgery to remove the pressure I would have no insurance to cover the surgery.  So, I have opted to muddle on and hope that I don't drop dead.

In saying why I support Obama's health care reform, I gave a sketch of my health care dilemma.  The answer I got back was your life sucks, but there are no good reasons for health reform.  I believe I can refute that, but not here.

What I replied to this conservative was that my life does not suck.  Seven years ago, I came to terms with having this thing in my head.  I embraced the Apostle Paul's statement.  "To live is Christ, to die is gain."

I try to act toward others as Christ would have me act and to live one day at a time.  I have failed miserably at times, notably a couple of years ago, when I tried to kill myself, but I do continue to try to believe "to live is Christ."  I know the Comforter is with me even though I do not feel his presence.  I do not struggle alone.

I have more successfully embraced "to die is gain," . I believe that God resurrects us in another world when we die, a world where there is no pain or sickness, only love and light.  Death is only a doorway into a universe of possibility. That is where I long to be.  My life does not suck because I know there is more to come.  Far better to come.

Like Paul I desire to depart the body and be with God.  Yet, I know that God desires me here.  Why?  I don't know.  But I know I must follow God's command.  As long as I believe that, my life has purpose, and I can face another day.

Photo by dr.knitter

Proposition 5 on the March 2, 2010 Ballot

  The Texas Republican party has placed five propositions on their March 2, 2010, primary ballot.  These propositions are non-binding.  The propositions are not amendments to the Texas Constitution.

Ballot Proposition #5: Sonograms
The Texas Legislature should enact legislation requiring a sonogram to be performed and shown to each mother about to undergo a medically unnecessary, elective abortion.
YES or NO

Before I analyze this proposition, let me say that I do not believe in abortions except in extraordinary circumstances such as danger to the life of the mother.  However, I do not trust the government to make the judgment as to what is an extraordinary circumstance. I would rather leave it to the individual to choose.  There will be those who do not ponder their decision.  There are always those that abuse any system.  I believe our duty is to provide sufficient information and incentives, so that no abortions occur except in the most direconditions.  I agree with Bill Clinton that abortions should be "safe, legal, and rare."

There is the problem of vagueness.  What is a medically unnecessary abortion?  An elective abortion?  I think I know, but the terms should be more narrowly defined to avoid confusion.  A better drafted proposition would encourage positive response.


This proposition is designed to have the legislature put obstacles in the path of women seeking abortions.  The hope is (1) that seeing a sonogram will change a woman's mind and (2) the added  expense will keep some women from getting an abortion.  The first reason is totally valid.  The second punishes only the poor.

A proposition that discriminates on the basis of wealth has no place in America.  Poor women are entitled to the same rghts as wealthier women.  For that reason  I oppose this proposition.  I would support this proposistion if the sonogram were paid for by the state.


VOTE  NO ON PROPOSITION 5!

Photo by Daquella Manera

Proposition 4 on the March 2, 2010 Ballot

  The Texas Republican party has placed five propositions on their March 2, 2010, primary ballot.  These propositions are non-binding.  The propositions are not amendments to the Texas Constitution.

Ballot Proposition #4: Public Acknowledgement (sic)of God
The use of the word “God”, prayers, and the Ten Commandments should be allowed at public gatherings and public educational institutions, as well as be permitted on government buildings and property.
YES or NO

Here we go again, planning to change national law with a proposition in the Republican primary, except this time the Texas Republican Party wants to amend the Constitution.  Remember the First Amendment?  Freedom of religion?  Two hundred years of Supreme Court decisions?  The audacity of this Proposition is breath-taking.  Texans should decide the freedom of religion issue for this whole nation. 

Texas Republicans want to use the word "God" at public gatherings.  I have listened to speeches in Congress and in the Texas legislature.  There is no absence of references to a Supreme Being.  Problems begin when we look at schools, government policy dictates, and other situations where the power of the state is used to demand adherence to one religious viewpoint. None of us want our children indoctrinated in another faith.  Why do we want to do it to others?

What happens if Muslims are the majority in a school district and want to use the word "Allah'? Or Buddhists?  Want your child to pray to Brahman? I doubt a Hindu wants their child to pray to God, either.  This is not a well-thought out proposition.

Any private person, student, or employee of government can pray at any time or any place.  Only when the prayer is made as an official act of government is it disallowed.  In Matthew 6:6, Christ said it was better to pray in private.  I think we should follow Christ's command.

Texans say let the majority have its way.  We are a democracy.  Wrong.  We are a democratic republic with a constitution designed to protect minorities.  The majority is not always correct.  Look at the history of civil rights. I would not negate our freedom of religion in order to make a public spectacle of prayer.

VOTE NO ON PROPOSITION 4!

Proposition 3 on the March 2, 2010 Ballot

The Texas Republican party has placed five propositions on their March 2, 2010, primary ballot.  These propositions are non-binding.  The propositions are not amendments to the Texas Constitution.

Ballot Proposition #3: Cutting Federal Income Taxes
In addition to aggressively eliminating irresponsible federal spending, Congress should empower American citizens to stimulate the economy by Congress cutting federal income taxes for all federal taxpayers, rather than spending hundreds of billions of dollars on so-called “federal economic stimulus”.
YES or NO

Another badly written proposition that is so vague that it is open to any interpretation.  In addition, the proposition dictates the actions of Congress.  Note to Texans: you do not control the Congress of the United States.

What is the definition of "irresponsible federal spending ?"  Any spending that benefits another state?  Any spending that cares for the indigent elderly or mentally ill?  After all, Texas is working hard to be the state that spends the least on its elderly or mentally ill.  Why should other states or, heaven forbid, the federal government keep the elderly from sitting unattended in the hallways of nursing homes? I dare you to drop in on any Medicaid funded facility in Texas after supper.

The stimulus worked no matter how Repubs lie about it.  Could the plan have been better?.  Yes, if more money had been sent to direct job creation instead of tax cuts.  Yes, tax cuts.  The stimulus contained substanttal  tax cuts.  If tax cuts weren't good in the stimulus, why are they any good now?  Of course, we need to give the wealthy more tax cuts.  Life is so difficult if you make a million dollars. That was what Michael Steele, the chairman of the Republican party, .said


VOTE "NO" ON PROPOSITION THREE!

Proposition 2 on the March 2, 2010 Ballot

The Texas Republican party has placed five propositions on their March 2, 2010, primary ballot.  These propositions are non-binding.  The propositions are not amendments to the Texas Constitution.

Ballot Proposition #2: Controlling Government Growth
Every government body in Texas should be required to limit any annual increase in its budget and spending to the combined increase of population and inflation unless it first gets voter approval to exceed the allowed annual growth or in the case of an official emergency.
YES or NO

This proposition is so vague that it has no meaning.  How do you measure increase in population?  There is an official census only once every ten years. I am sure that someone would disagree with the population increase chosen and sue to use the number they believe is correct.  What about inflation?  Is that a national inflation number or local?  Vague.  The exception is big enough to swallow the whole proposition "in the case of an official emergency."  What is "an official emergency?"  I suspect it would be whatever the government body says "an official emergency" is.  The whole proposition is pointless.

VOTE "NO" ON PROPOSITION TWO!

Photo by Annie Mole

Proposition 1 on the March 2, 2010 Ballot

The Texas Republican party has placed five propositions on their March 2, 2010, primary ballot.  These propositions are non-binding.  The propositions are not amendments to the Texas Constitution.

The first proposition is as follows:
Ballot Proposition #1: Photo ID
The Texas legislature should make it a priority to protect the integrity of our election process by enacting legislation that requires voters to provide valid photo identification in order to cast a ballot in any and all elections conducted in the State of Texas.
YES or NO

I wrote about this previously in this blog when the legislature considered making people get a photo ID to vote.  See Could Jesus Vote in Texas?   

A Brown University study cataloged the negative effects of the introduction of photo ID's. The following is the last paragraph in their study.

"In 2004, despite higher white registration levels in voter ID states, the net effect was a substantial reduction in voter turnout. The reduction cut across racial and ethnic lines, but disproportionately affected blacks and Hispanics. It also disproportionately diminished electoral participation by citizens with lower income and education, tenants, and people who move more frequently. These groups already stand out for lower participation, and voter ID has the consequence of further reducing their engagement with the electoral system. In our view the selectivity of these suppressive impacts is their most objectionable feature. But even aside from placing a greater burden on some groups than on others, this is a policy that has not been shown to have any benefits. If reversing this policy in the 20 states that implemented it in 2004 could have increased overall turnout by registered voters by 1.6 million — from a rate of 67.7% to 70.3% — that is a strong argument in itself."

 The Texas Attorney has spent $1.4 million in 2 years to find 26 cases of voter fraud. He uncovered no grand fraud schemes.  Most of these cases involved technical infractions where someone carried a properly marked mail-in ballot to the mailbox for elderly people.  What a dastardly crime!   I suppose Attorney General Abbott will prosecute me if I take my 85 year old aunt's sealed ballot to the mailbox in her apartment complex.  That is what we are talking about.  In addition, Abbott only prosecutes Democrats by the way.  He ignores Republican misteps.

If you vote for Proposition 1, you are voting for suppression.  This proposition is designed to elicit a yes vote that will be used to further the Republican position on voter suppression.  Republicans know that those most affected are the elderly, the disabled, and minorities; people most likely to vote Democratic.  Anything that can be done to reduce their numbers aids Republican candidates.

Let's recall Texas sad history of voter suppression.  It was called the poll tax and was designed to suppress the black vote.  Obviously, the desire to suppress the vote of non-whites still exists.  The tea-baggers have openly called for literacy tests.  Tests used in the South to keep blacks from voting.  I expect Republicans to embrace that position.


I go into detail how needing a photo ID discourages the least among us from voting in my article Could Jesus Vote in Texas?

I will paraphrase Jesus. "I tell you the truth. You kept the least of these from voting, so you kept me from voting.."

VOTE "NO" ON PROPOSITION ONE!

DNA Detective Work Sheds Light on King Tut's Life, Lineage, Death - AOL News

The article, DNA Detective Work Sheds Light on King Tut's Life, Lineage, Death - AOL News, hit me hard.because I have suffered from the same bone disease he had, avascular necrosis.  My bones die unexpectedly, just as his did.  Maybe I am related to King Tut.

I have lost most of my right ankle bone and have had my left femur replaced because of necrosis.  I can tell you that the pain is intense and the crippling profound.  Tut may have been lucky to die young because without modern medicine his bones would have continued to die leaving him more and more disabled.

Before my hip replacement my left leg had lost more than a half inch in length,  My last request to my surgeon was "Make my legs the same length."  He did.

My problem is not related to inbreeding.  My mother and father were from different states and different ancestries.  I know my genealogy on both sides and their were no family intermarriage.  I have no ancestors to blame.

Conservative Views Shaped By Fear

           Nicholas Kristof

In an Op-ed piece published February 13, 2010 in the New York Times, Nicholas Kristof delves into research that indicates conservatives are more fearful than liberals, that spankers are more fearful than parents that choose time-out, and hence those that support the National Rifle Association are more skittish than those in favor of control.  How wonderful.

Conservative Christians who like to paint God as judgmental may do so because they fear God more easily than those who see God as love. Fear makes conservative Christians think that God is after them.  If God is after them who are trying so hard to follow his rules, how much more must God be after those who interpret God's rules less dogmatically.

Conservative Christians see interpreting the Bible in anyway, but literally (dictated by God) as a chink in their wall of belief.  Conservatives are hard-wired to be afraid that their whole system of belief could collapse at any moment.  More liberal Christians are hard wired to be more laid-back. Liberals understand that the Bible was written by fallible human beings and must be viewed through the lens of history. No wonder there is conflict.

Liberals need to deal with conservatives as fearful children.  Conservatives must be convinced that those with other views can keep them safe.  The logic of an argument does not matter.  The argument must instead convince the conservatives that its goal is safety.

Photo by Fred R. Conrad/The New York Times

Barry, Barack and Barak

On February 4, 2010, on his radio show, Glenn Beck went after the President for abandoning the first name he had been using, Barry, for the more formal Barack:

"He chose to use his name, Barack, for a reason. To identify, not with America -- you don't take the name Barack to identify with America. You take the name Barack to identify with what? Your heritage? The heritage, maybe, of your father in Kenya, who is a radical? Is -- really? Searching for something to give him any kind of meaning, just as he was searching later in life for religion."

I remember many of my male friends changing their names when they entered college.  Bobby became Bob, Billy became Bill, Jeffy became Jeff, Andy became Andrew, another Billy became Will, and another Bobby became Robert.  I am sure President Obama had a more sophisticated explanation, but I think he was simply participating in a male rite of passage that had no sinister overtones.  President Obama was simply exchanging what he viewed as a child's name for an adult's name.

Did Glenn Beck have so few friends that he never encountered these name changes?  I doubt that.  No, Mr. Beck found another way to make our President one of "them," where "they" are not like us.  That is the key he uses to feed his audience's fears.  Our instinct is to fear the unknown.  Characterize the President as an unknown, a different, make people fear him.  Glenn Beck is an expert at fear-mongering.

But is Barack that strange a name?

Not to anyone who has read the Old Testament.  In the book of Judges,  we meet Deborah, a married woman, a judge and prophetess, and Barak, a military leader.  Barak hesitated to lead his army against the Canaanites. Deborah challenged him to follow God's will. With her by his side, Barak led his army against the Canaanites and conquered.  In time, Barak became a judge, too.

I am happy to have a man named Barack (Barak) as President of the United States.  Perhaps, this Barack has been chosen by God to lead just as the Barak of Judges was chosen to lead in war and in peace.

Bridges in the Past

I'm in the memoir mood. When I turned sixteen,  I learned to drive and became the only driver in the family.  My mother bought a car for me with the understanding that I was obligated to be the chauffeur for both grandmothers and her.

So one spring day, I drove both my grandmothers to visit my maternal grandmother's aunt.  My great aunt Margaret was the same age as my maternal grandmother.  The two had grown up together and been close companions.. My aunt( we never bothered with great) lived in a rural area in Caldwell County. In those days the roads were unpaved but coated with a gravel and clay mixture.  The less used stretches were covered with grass and weeds.  My aunt lived on one of those dusty tracks.

Once together, the three women (all in their seventies) decided they wanted to visit one of the local cemeteries. I, of course, as the chauffeur, had no say in the matter. My Aunt Margaret gave directions and soon I drove down a grassy road that showed very little sign of use. Aunt Margaret was unperturbed when I suggested that a paved county road might be a better choice.

"This is a short cut. Just the locals know about it, " she said.

"Keep going," chimed in the grandmothers.

I drove about five miles when a bridge over a creek loomed ahead. I stopped. This bridge looked on its last legs with a badly rusted superstructure and a wooden road bed. That road bed was no longer completely covered. Planks made two parallel strips about two feet wide each that stretched across four by four cross beams. The bridge did not look safe and I told my passengers that  There was a least a thirty foot drop to the creek bed below. The three matriarchs were unperturbed and ordered me to drive on. I considered disobeying, but I was young, my grandmothers and aunt adamant and totally sure of the safety of the bridge, I drove on.

The minute my front wheels rolled onto the bridge, it shuddered. If I had been a passenger, I would have closed my eyes.  I was the driver; I had to look. The bridge actually swayed as I inched forward. My heart pounded and I concentrated on tracking the two rows of planks which now seemed very narrow.. Some of the planks tipped upward when the car moved forward.  The weathered boards were not nailed down.  From the back seat, both grandmothers urged me to go faster.  I did speed up, but only by a couple of miles per hour. Creaks, metal groans and wooden thuds accompanied our movement forward.  After what seemed like an hour, but in reality was only a few minutes, I drove onto the grass on the other side of the creek, grass that looked undisturbed by any vehicle.

Relieved, I glanced in the rear view mirror. There was a sign. I stopped the car and looked back.

In bright red, block letters was the word "CONDEMNED." My stomach jumped. I pointed to the sign and told my passengers, "We could have been killed."

"Well, nothing happened," said my paternal grandmother..

"If you're so nervous, we can go back the long way," said my aunt.

The matter settled we proceeded to the cemetery, then back to my great aunt's home the "long way."

I have never felt the same about bridges after that excursion.  I always look back for the condemned sign.


Photo by accent on the eclectic.  Bridge in photo is not the one I drove across.

How to Dye a Dog

I love my cats, but sometimes I wish I had a dog. Growing up, I had cats, dogs, horned toads, rabbits and even a white duck.  One dog, Missy, a black and white, border collie mix, was special.  She was loyal, protective and an extremely fast runner.

I was on top of the world the day I received by Bachelor of Science in Chemistry. When I started school, times had been tough for my family.  Mom had been sick my senior year in high school and our income plummeted. I had managed to stay in college only because I lived at home. My friends and family all celebrated my graduation with me.

By early morning, I was exhausted, so I happily went to bed, a proud, new graduate. I was deep in sleep when Missy barked wildly in the back yard and woke me.  Her bark changed to ear piercing yelps of a dog in trouble. We lived just a few blocks north of the university in the heart of Austin. As I stumbled to the back door, I wondered what had happened to my dog. Missy yelps stopped. I called her and she came at a hard run. As she approached, my nose identified the problem. Missy had been skunked!

Missy had been sprayed before. We had a small cabin near Lake Marble Falls where she often came in reeking of skunk.  We figured that she was such a sprinter that she reached a skunk before she realized what it was.  How else to explain multiple skunkings.  At our cabin, we kept a huge can of tomato juice to pour over her to neutralize the odor. We had never expected her to encounter a skunk in the middle of the city. We had no tomato juice.

When Missy reached me, I grabbed her and picked her up. The smell so close made me wretch, but I knew that I had to keep her out of the house and off the furniture.  If she behaved as she did at our cabin, she would head directly for my mother's bed.  Missy might be my dog, but Mom was her human.

My grandmother was at the door now.  "Take her to the tub,"she ordered. I obeyed.

I stepped into the tub with Missy   This tub was an old, claw-footed one with high sides so it was no easy task to get in it with a squirming, stinking dog in my grasp. I made it, still in my pajamas. I turned on the water and contemplated what to wash Missy with. My grandmother solved the problem.

"This is the best I could do," she said as she handed me two open cans of tomato soup.

I used both cans of the bright red soup on Missy, and the odor lessened noticeably.. I then washed her with my shampoo and rinsed her thoroughly. As I dried her, I noticed that her white fur was distinctly pink. Tomato juice had never done that. I picked up one of the soup cans and read the ingredients. Sure enough,this tomato soup contained a red dye. I looked at Missy; the red dye was very good at coloring dog fur.

With Missy in my grandmother's care, I bathed. As I sat in the warm water, I contemplated my graduation night and God's sense of humor.  I am sure he laughed when I poured tomato soup on my dog..  I would never forget this graduation with its highs and lows.

The next morning it was clear that our black and white dog was now bright pink and black. Several weeks would pass before Missy lost that color. Our neighbors all knew what happened, but I suspect that strangers seeing me walk Missy wondered why that woman had dyed her dog.

Missy did not care. I think she enjoyed the extra attention she received.  At least she never found another city skunk.

Photo by Charles & Clint

Baptists Shoot Their Wounded

My therapist has been pushing me to write about what is going on in my life. I don't(won't) keep a diary, so this is a close as I will get. My therapist (Sweets after the psychologist on Bones) tells me I should react with anger to what has happened to me in the last year. That I was hurt, but not angry, worries him.

First, some background.  Over a year ago, I was extremely depressed, so I did what seemed the only logical thing to do: I tried to kill myself.  I only failed because a friend found me in time and got me to the hospital. My suicide attempt may have been a side effect of a painkiller that I was taking because a bone in my leg was dying or a result of the depression.  My friends all want the attempt to be from the painkiller.  Since I still have suicidal thoughts I am not so sure the painkiller was the problem.  Certainly, it did not help.  My life had collapsed around me,  I won't go into details, just say they were financial, emotional, and spiritual.

The dying bone has been replaced by metal. I take a powerful anti-depressant. I see Sweets at least monthly. I still find the desire to kill myself there most of the time. For a while, I had reached the point where I wanted to die, but not to kill myself, but my Baptist friends have sent me back to daily suicide contemplation.  I just see no point to my life.  I still believe in God, but I have doubts that the individual's fate in this world matters in God's grand scheme.  I have no doubt that I will go to heaven and I would rather be there than here.

I belong to a moderate Baptist church and have attended the same Sunday School class for over twenty years.  I thought I was part of that group.  I was the most liberal member of the class, but my opinions had always been welcomed and I thought, respected.

The class responded wonderfully to my bone surgery and recuperation.  They bought my groceries for more that two months as I recovered from the surgery.  Of course, I battled the depression and a few friends and a cousin kept a close eye on me.  No one from my class ever mentioned it, even though I had not kept my problem a secret. When my recuperation from the surgery was complete, I received a shock. My help stopped.  I was told that the class would do no more and handed a list of food pantries.  I was so grateful, but stunned at the abrupt withdrawal of support.  I was working some, but not bringing in enough to support myself or my cats.  I believe the fact that I owned a bunch of cats contributed to the desire not to help me.  I was worse off than when I attempted suicide in every way but physical pain.

I saw no way to take care of myself or my cats.  I decided that suicide was still the only answer to my emotional and financial pain.   I would take steps to make sure I was not found in time. I have never felt so alone in my whole life.

A friend called and asked me to lunch.  I don't know what she said at that lunch, but I broke down and told her how bad my circumstances were.  I did not tell her that I was planning suicide.  She responded magnificently, giving me enough money to get on my feet and pay my income tax.  She has continued to be there for me.  The irony is she is an ex-Mormon who attends no church.  My Baptist friends did not even ask how I was doing.

A member of my class did call and said she wanted to help.  She was a trained social worker and said she had contacts that could help.  She promised me that anything I told her would be kept in confidence.  She lied.

I told way too much about what was going on in my life including a brief synopsis of my childhood.  What a fool I was.  I thought if I shared my pain, she would empathize as a fellow Christian.  She told me she just wanted to help.

Her idea of helping was to share my confidences with others.  She enlisted another member of my class, a real estate agent, to sell my house even though I had told her I did not want to sell.  She did all this without asking me.  The first I knew was a phone call telling me that the agent would call to set up a time to sell my home.  I collapsed emotionally.  I told the agent I could not see him.  I stopped going to Sunday School.  Only Sweets stood between me and suicide.

Sweets managed to help me through the darkness, seeing me on a stepped up schedule..  He was more appalled than I was at the lack of integrity by the class member/social worker.  Sweets is a Christian, but not a Baptist.  He helped me work through how Christians could act so badly and abandon you so completely.  He did not urge me to return to that class, but he did not tell me to leave the class. He should not have had to.  I should have known when I was given the list of food pantries that I did not belong there.  I was stupid. I could not face the reality that my "friends" believed I was a sinner who did not deserve help.

After several weeks, I returned to class.  I said nothing to anyone about the hurt I had experienced.  I should have.  Sweets says that is an issue we have to work on.  I just didn't want to be alone.

The class had changed.  Now Southern Baptists dominated it.  The members railed against the minister and staff because they did not espouse the conservative Baptist beliefs.  The class was caught up in intercessory prayer.  They were all becoming "prayer warriors"  I stopped going because the class just made me sad.  No one ever asked how things were going for me.  No one ever asked about my depression.  I never mentioned it either.

Finally, I had a financial crisis.  There was one member of the class that I had known from before we started the church.  He had been through something financially similar to my problems.  I thought he would understand and when I called, he seemed to.  He agreed to keep everything confidential.  We had several conversations and email exchanges.  He told me he had a plan to help me and I believed him.  I received an email to the whole class in which he told them what he was doing and what I had confided.  There went confidentiality.

He did have a plan: tell me in an email about all my failings, how I had procrastinated and that there was little hope for a good outcome.  I would lose my home and not get anything from the equity.  I received the email at eleven at night. At two, I was preparing to kill myself. 

I remembered what my pastor( he's gone now) had said once about suicide years before I ever contemplated suicide.  He said you can always do it the next day. Wait.  So I did.  I sent the email my "friend" had sent me to my cousin with a brief explanation of the circumstance.  The next day my cousin was there, caring and helping.  I saw Sweets two days later. I gave him all the emails I had between my "friend" and I. Sweets was appalled and disgusted with my "friend."  Sweets reminded me that I could call him for help anytime.  There is always someone on call.

Nothing has improved much, but I am hanging in there.  I will almost certainly lose my home.  My friends are all tired of my problems.  I pray, but still feel alone.  My dreams are ashes.  I have no one.  My cousin has had a tragedy in her family and financial setbacks because of the economy.  I do know why the Sunday School class has shunned me.  The tip-off was in that last email.

A true believer would not be depressed.   Depression is a sign that you are weak and a sinner.  If you were in tune with God, you could pray yourself out of such a mood.  While the Sunday School class believes that, I do not.  I know about mental illness because my mother was schizophrenic.  Her church turned her away when she had a psychotic break. I am stunned that fifty years later mine has shunned me.  Sweets assures me I am not psychotic, "just" depressed.  I think he knows that a child of someone with severe mental illness always worries about that.

There is one final chapter.  After Christmas, I received an email sent to all members of the class.  I am still on the email list.  In it, the class thanked the "friend" I had asked for help for all the aid he had given to someone else in our church.  The email went into detail about their prayers for this man, how much money the class had raised for him ($10,000+), and about the vehicle purchased for him as well as the other assistance given.  I would be the first to tell you that this man deserved all the help he received and I would not begrudge him one penny.  My question is why my Sunday School class never thought I deserved help during my year of struggle.  I would have been happy with their prayers.

Sweets told me I should be angry.  He wants me to write a letter to the class.  I am not sure I can.  Sweets says that is what we work on next.

I did remember what  my pastor said referring to how a Baptist church had kicked out of the congregation a recovering alcoholic.  "Baptists shoot their wounded."

Pat Robertson Pact with the Devil Cursed Haiti

Pat Robertson's outrageous statements must rise out of a belief that God sends natural disasters such as the earthquake in Haiti to punish those caught in the disaster.  If so, he must then explain why God would do something so horrible.  This time Robertson conjures up a pact with the devil two hundred years ago as the reason God visited this calamity on Haiti.

I assume this idea of a pact is based on a ceremony that took place at the beginning of the successful Haitian revolution. Based on traditional African religious practice, a pig was sacrificed, then ultimate victory of the slaves from the French was prophesied.  This is not a pact with the devil. (A disclaimer: I do not believe in a personified evil, but do believe in evil within each of us.)  Even if such a pact existed, I doubt it would endure through generations.  The whole idea is absurd and leaves out God's saving grace.  God is supreme: the devil is not his equal.

Christ spoke of a tower that fell killing eighteen people.  He was emphatic that this had nothing to do with their sins.  In Matthew, Jesus says that God "causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."   Natural disasters are not God's will, they are part of the fabric of this universe set in motion billions of years ago. Their results may be horrific, but they are not evil.  Evil comes from man, not nature. We lump all bad things that happen to people together, but that is not God's classification system.

Why the universe we live in is one in which there is so much suffering due to natural events I do not know.  When Job confronts God on this issue God asks Job: "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge"   We cannot comprehend the why of creation.  For me this is not satisfactory.  I hope across death's threshold I will understand.

I do know that natural disasters are part of our lives.  How Christians react is a test of how well we have understood Christ's command to love our neighbor and the parable of the sheep and goats, but that is not why disasters occur.

Maddow on Letterman

Rachel Maddow appeared on the David Letterman Show January 7, 2010. Letterman treated her with as much respect as he is capable of displaying. I would like to swap glasses with him. My vision without correction is 20/450.

Her comments about President Obama made me reassess my views. Rachel Maddow is correct. Despite the rantings of the far right and Republicans, Obama has achieved a remarkable track record in 2009. If he pulls health care reform out of the mire this year, he will have achieved what Presidents since Theodore Roosevelt have wanted.

Maddow should have been selected as moderator for Meet the Press. NBC reverted to its "no broad capable" posture when it put David Gregory in that position. Rachel Maddow on MSNBC is the first crack in their masculine facade.

Praying for Our Enemies

Christ tells us to love our enemies and pray "for them that despitefully use you" in Matthew 5:44. Nowhere does he ever tell us to pray for ill to happen to an opponent. Yet, Senator Coburn asked that his supporters do that on the Senate floor before the vote on health care reform. Whatever your belief about the rightness of the bill, no Christian should pray for misfortune on another. That some did is horrible.

The evidence for that is the video above where a caller wants to know if his group's prayers for the death of Senator Byrd have backfired and killed Senator Inhofe. Senator Barrasso assures him that Senator Inhofe has not expired and simply missed the vote because he knew it was a lost cause. Senator Barrasso evidently thinks that it is normal to pray for an opponent's death since he takes the caller's comments in stride and responds only to the question as to the health of Senator Inhofe. He does not address the question as to how hard he prayed for Senator Byrd's demise. Altogether this exchange is spine chilling.

When we pray for our adversaries, we are to pray for the best to happen to them. This is difficult to do. C. S. Lewis wrote that one way to deal with our anger toward another who has wronged us is to pray for their well-being. I did this a number years ago. I don't know if the praying helped the one I prayed for, but I know that it extinguished any hatred and anger I had toward this person. There lies the answer. Christ's instruction leads to our own well-being.

Christians must never pervert prayer for an evil purpose. To do so denigrates God and eats away our souls. My prayer for those that wished ill for Senator Byrd is simple: "Please God, bathe them in your love. Amen."

Christmas Eve at a Baptist Church

I took my aunt and cousin to the Christmas Eve service at their Baptist church. The service was lovely and included lighting of the candles of Advent. More and more Baptist churches are returning to some of the rituals that were tossed out in the radical reformation.

My family has observed Advent for years. I usually pick up a daily devotional for Advent at my local Catholic bookstore. Those daily readings help us focus on the meaning of Christmas amidst all the bustle.

The Christmas Eve service included a short sermon. The minister focused on the Second Coming. I believe that is a very cogent topic at Christmas. Many Christians never think about the Second Coming, even though many writers in the New Testament are consumed by the thought of Christ's return. Paul believed Christ would return at any moment and wanted all Christ's followers to be prepared. Only with the death of the apostles did that emphasis lessen, but it never went away.

The sermon was short but to the point until the end. There the minister stumbled into the end time theology currently in vogue. The pastor spoke of a man waking to find that the Rapture had begun and believers were being swept up into heaven ( at another time I will tell you why I do not believe in the Rapture). Christ looks at this man as he pleaded to go to heaven, too. The minister said sadly it was too late, Christ left without this sinner. I believe that is a horrible way to portray Christ.

Jesus is God in action. Through this manifestation of God we all enter his presence. He would not abandon any one that sought help. No one will ever be left behind who desires to be with God. Only those who knowingly reject God will be excluded. This means you know that God exists, know his will, but choose to go your own way. These people are not condemned to hell but to death; they cease to exist,

God, the Trinity, wants all of us to join him. He never gives up. Creator, Comforter and Son: "I am love in action."

Photo by rutlo (not the church attended)

Sears -An Unrepentant Scrooge

I went to Sears to buy some Christmas ornaments and a nativity set for a gift. I also planned to buy some last minute gifts in the jewelry department and shop for clothes for myself.

No luck!

Sears does not carry Christmas decorations or nativity scenes. Sears wants your money but does not want to enable us to celebrate the season. Obviously, Scrooge has moved into corporate headquarters. I was informed at my store that it was a corporate decision.

I bought nothing at Sears and will not shop there after Christmas.

A corporation that says "Bah humbug" to Christmas does not deserve my business.

Christmas without a Home

This will be the first Christmas in over thirty years I will not have a church home. This Christmas may also be the first without a house to call my home. Either event would make me sad, together they are devastating.

The church that I helped start has changed beyond recognition. While I can find no fault with its new outreach to young adults, I can find no comfort in the worship service. My one haven has been my Sunday School class, but that group has changed even more. I suspect that in response to some of the attempts to make the church more up-to-date and diverse, that the members of my class have retreated to traditional Southern Baptist beliefs. One of those beliefs says that mental illness is a result of weakness, sin, and a lack of faith. Since I have been fighting depression, I have been excluded from the class. Oh, when I miss class for several weeks, someone will email me to say they miss my comments in class. Never do they inquire about my well-being or say that they are concerned about me. When I told some of the class that I was no longer going to attend, the relief was palpable.

One member had the audacity to say the misery I'm suffering is the Holy Spirit leading me somewhere else. I do not believe God inflicts suffering upon us. Some cite the book of Job as an example of God allowing the devil to infest our lives with ills. Those that do ignore the history of the book The earliest version of Job deals with suffering with no explanation for it, only that it is the way of this world. That version clearly indicates that there is no connection between a person's worth and what happens to them. The beginning and end of Job were added much later by scribes who needed an explanation for suffering that was not provided by the original book. Jesus made clear that evil consequences were not the result of personal sin when he spoke of a tower's collapse that killed eighteen people. Jesus said "Or those eighteen, upon whom the tower in Siloam fell, and slew them, think ye that they were sinners above all men that dwell in Jerusalem? I tell you , Nay."

Advent began on Sunday. I will celebrate the promise of the coming of God with prayer. I will listen for the still, small voice to lead out of my long night.

Veteran's Day 2009

This Veteran's Day, I reflect on those in my family that served our country, friends who served and those in service now. Both my mother and father served in WWII. Mom joined the WACs, my father, the army. Mom stayed in the states, my father fought across the Pacific. I am one of those people who may exist only because the United States dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Only God knows if my father would have survived the invasion of Japan. Maybe I will deal with this life and death issue.

My mother's brother fought across Europe in WWII including the Battle of the Bulge. He never spoke of his experience except for one humorous aspect. My uncle had never learned to drive before he entered the army, yet one day he was told to drive a jeep from his unit to another. Rather than admit he could not drive, he jumped in and did his best. His best was good enough and he often was his unit's driver. In later years, I rode with my uncle. He was a terrifying driver then and always. Oddly, he rarely got tickets.

The only cousin older than me ( by six months) volunteered for the army during the Viet Nam War. A gentle boy, he came home an alcoholic, forever scarred by the war. Too many of my friends did not come home. One close friend volunteered for the nuclear navy when he found out he was slated to be drafted as soon as he graduated from college. He met Admiral Rickover and to my surprise became a career officer. One friend drafted after college made a name for himself by blowing up a missile in a silo (not his fault), but he was transferred to a desk job. Viet Nam marked my generation for good and ill.

A young cousin married a Marine many years after Viet Nam. A fine man he retired from the service to become a nurse. We had all thought he would stay beyond his minimum for retirement, but he told us that he simply grew weary of command ( he rose to the rank of Colonel) although not the Marines.

Now, no one in my family serves in the military, but the son of a friend is now a Marine. This is a boy raised by a single mother who had never been a tomboy. To me fell the glad task of teaching him odd skills from my tomboy childhood such as how to spin a wooden top or tricks with a yo-yo. On the flip side, I also introduced him to poetry. Now, he is stationed in the US, but scheduled to go to Afghanistan at the end of the year. For him, he cannot go soon enough. For thoze who care for him, we wait with apprehension.

Generations come and go, but still there is war. Did Constantine stain Christianity with violence when he made Christanity his empire's religion? Weren't Christians destined to bring peace? I do not know the answer. All I know is I will pray for my young friend as he goes to war. I will honor those that came before. I will pray that a path to peace for all will be found, so that someday, there will be no more veterans.

Photo by Beverlykahuna