Leaving Home

I have been a Baptist since I was eleven when I was dunked.  I walked away from church when I was a teenager unable to reconcile my thirst for knowledge, especially science, and my church's admonition that questions were a sign of lack of faith.

I went on the receive a Ph.D. in chemistry at twenty-five.  I spent the next four years working and learning about other great religions.  Of all I studied, I had the most affinity for a form of Hinduism that was prevalent in northern India.  Still, none made me wish to practice their faith.

I was an insatiable science fiction reader at the time.  I still love the genre.  I had read the Narnia Chronicles as a child, but had ignored the religious implications.  Now, I found the science fiction trilogy by C. S. Lewis and read all three books.  I found another one of his books, The Screwtape Letters, in with the science fiction at a used book store.  I bought it and read it.  For whatever reason, the book turned me back to Christianity.

I was not that sure I wanted to be a Christian, but I decided to give it another try.  This time I chose the most liberal Baptist Church in my city led by a brilliant preacher.  I joined a study group of people my age led by a philosophy major.  Our discussions were wide open.  Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis was one of the books we studied that year.

By the end of that year, I was sure I wanted to follow Christ.  I have never regretted that decision although I have come to regret remaining a Baptist.

I helped start a new Baptist church that was to be a "grace" church emphasizing God's love and mercy and essentially non-denominational.  Over the years as it became a mega church, my church has become less open and more conventionally Baptist.  Four years ago,  members who I mistakenly thought were friends, considered my bout with clinical depression a failure of my faith, not an illness.  I learned that the one thing Baptists are most afraid of being asked is for money to help one of their own who is having problems with mental illness.  As my pastor (he had retired because of health reasons) often said, "Baptist shoot their wounded."  These friends thought by not helping me they were making me to stand on my own two feet.  Were it not for an ex-Mormon friend and a Catholic therapist, I would be dead.

I have made many mistakes in my life, but the biggest was trying to stay in that church.  I went home most Sundays and cried.  Finally, my car got totaled when I was rear-ended,  I could not afford another car, so I stopped going to church.  My church was a long way from my home and the city bus services did not run out that far.  I know, this looks suspiciously like divine intervention to keep me home.  No one called or inquired why I stopped coming to church.  The church I helped found thirty years before did not know that I existed anymore.

After a few months, I was removed from my Sunday School class' email list.  I had not asked to be removed and had stayed in touch through that email.  If I had not been seeing a therapist, I would have killed myself that day.  He forced me to face the reality that I did not fit in that class and shared few beliefs with them.  He urged anger instead of grief.

A year has gone by without me attending church except for the few occasions when I have taken my aunt to an activity or service at her very traditional Baptist church.  The people there are quite wonderful and have taken her in, accepted her autistic son, and helped her financially.  They are less affluent than most in my church, but more generous.  However, women are second-class members and the sermons leave me cold.

Photo by jeffk

After some searching and  a great deal of prayer, I realized there was not a Baptist church in this city that I wanted to attend.  I began looking for a better fit for me.  I think God has guided me to such a place in a Christian (Disciples of Christ) church.  I have been attending a downtown church with a small congregation and  a woman pastor.  If all goes as planned, I will join on New Year's Day.  I will no longer be a Baptist.  I will have left home.

Baptists Shoot Their Wounded

My therapist has been pushing me to write about what is going on in my life. I don't(won't) keep a diary, so this is a close as I will get. My therapist (Sweets after the psychologist on Bones) tells me I should react with anger to what has happened to me in the last year. That I was hurt, but not angry, worries him.

First, some background.  Over a year ago, I was extremely depressed, so I did what seemed the only logical thing to do: I tried to kill myself.  I only failed because a friend found me in time and got me to the hospital. My suicide attempt may have been a side effect of a painkiller that I was taking because a bone in my leg was dying or a result of the depression.  My friends all want the attempt to be from the painkiller.  Since I still have suicidal thoughts I am not so sure the painkiller was the problem.  Certainly, it did not help.  My life had collapsed around me,  I won't go into details, just say they were financial, emotional, and spiritual.

The dying bone has been replaced by metal. I take a powerful anti-depressant. I see Sweets at least monthly. I still find the desire to kill myself there most of the time. For a while, I had reached the point where I wanted to die, but not to kill myself, but my Baptist friends have sent me back to daily suicide contemplation.  I just see no point to my life.  I still believe in God, but I have doubts that the individual's fate in this world matters in God's grand scheme.  I have no doubt that I will go to heaven and I would rather be there than here.

I belong to a moderate Baptist church and have attended the same Sunday School class for over twenty years.  I thought I was part of that group.  I was the most liberal member of the class, but my opinions had always been welcomed and I thought, respected.

The class responded wonderfully to my bone surgery and recuperation.  They bought my groceries for more that two months as I recovered from the surgery.  Of course, I battled the depression and a few friends and a cousin kept a close eye on me.  No one from my class ever mentioned it, even though I had not kept my problem a secret. When my recuperation from the surgery was complete, I received a shock. My help stopped.  I was told that the class would do no more and handed a list of food pantries.  I was so grateful, but stunned at the abrupt withdrawal of support.  I was working some, but not bringing in enough to support myself or my cats.  I believe the fact that I owned a bunch of cats contributed to the desire not to help me.  I was worse off than when I attempted suicide in every way but physical pain.

I saw no way to take care of myself or my cats.  I decided that suicide was still the only answer to my emotional and financial pain.   I would take steps to make sure I was not found in time. I have never felt so alone in my whole life.

A friend called and asked me to lunch.  I don't know what she said at that lunch, but I broke down and told her how bad my circumstances were.  I did not tell her that I was planning suicide.  She responded magnificently, giving me enough money to get on my feet and pay my income tax.  She has continued to be there for me.  The irony is she is an ex-Mormon who attends no church.  My Baptist friends did not even ask how I was doing.

A member of my class did call and said she wanted to help.  She was a trained social worker and said she had contacts that could help.  She promised me that anything I told her would be kept in confidence.  She lied.

I told way too much about what was going on in my life including a brief synopsis of my childhood.  What a fool I was.  I thought if I shared my pain, she would empathize as a fellow Christian.  She told me she just wanted to help.

Her idea of helping was to share my confidences with others.  She enlisted another member of my class, a real estate agent, to sell my house even though I had told her I did not want to sell.  She did all this without asking me.  The first I knew was a phone call telling me that the agent would call to set up a time to sell my home.  I collapsed emotionally.  I told the agent I could not see him.  I stopped going to Sunday School.  Only Sweets stood between me and suicide.

Sweets managed to help me through the darkness, seeing me on a stepped up schedule..  He was more appalled than I was at the lack of integrity by the class member/social worker.  Sweets is a Christian, but not a Baptist.  He helped me work through how Christians could act so badly and abandon you so completely.  He did not urge me to return to that class, but he did not tell me to leave the class. He should not have had to.  I should have known when I was given the list of food pantries that I did not belong there.  I was stupid. I could not face the reality that my "friends" believed I was a sinner who did not deserve help.

After several weeks, I returned to class.  I said nothing to anyone about the hurt I had experienced.  I should have.  Sweets says that is an issue we have to work on.  I just didn't want to be alone.

The class had changed.  Now Southern Baptists dominated it.  The members railed against the minister and staff because they did not espouse the conservative Baptist beliefs.  The class was caught up in intercessory prayer.  They were all becoming "prayer warriors"  I stopped going because the class just made me sad.  No one ever asked how things were going for me.  No one ever asked about my depression.  I never mentioned it either.

Finally, I had a financial crisis.  There was one member of the class that I had known from before we started the church.  He had been through something financially similar to my problems.  I thought he would understand and when I called, he seemed to.  He agreed to keep everything confidential.  We had several conversations and email exchanges.  He told me he had a plan to help me and I believed him.  I received an email to the whole class in which he told them what he was doing and what I had confided.  There went confidentiality.

He did have a plan: tell me in an email about all my failings, how I had procrastinated and that there was little hope for a good outcome.  I would lose my home and not get anything from the equity.  I received the email at eleven at night. At two, I was preparing to kill myself. 

I remembered what my pastor( he's gone now) had said once about suicide years before I ever contemplated suicide.  He said you can always do it the next day. Wait.  So I did.  I sent the email my "friend" had sent me to my cousin with a brief explanation of the circumstance.  The next day my cousin was there, caring and helping.  I saw Sweets two days later. I gave him all the emails I had between my "friend" and I. Sweets was appalled and disgusted with my "friend."  Sweets reminded me that I could call him for help anytime.  There is always someone on call.

Nothing has improved much, but I am hanging in there.  I will almost certainly lose my home.  My friends are all tired of my problems.  I pray, but still feel alone.  My dreams are ashes.  I have no one.  My cousin has had a tragedy in her family and financial setbacks because of the economy.  I do know why the Sunday School class has shunned me.  The tip-off was in that last email.

A true believer would not be depressed.   Depression is a sign that you are weak and a sinner.  If you were in tune with God, you could pray yourself out of such a mood.  While the Sunday School class believes that, I do not.  I know about mental illness because my mother was schizophrenic.  Her church turned her away when she had a psychotic break. I am stunned that fifty years later mine has shunned me.  Sweets assures me I am not psychotic, "just" depressed.  I think he knows that a child of someone with severe mental illness always worries about that.

There is one final chapter.  After Christmas, I received an email sent to all members of the class.  I am still on the email list.  In it, the class thanked the "friend" I had asked for help for all the aid he had given to someone else in our church.  The email went into detail about their prayers for this man, how much money the class had raised for him ($10,000+), and about the vehicle purchased for him as well as the other assistance given.  I would be the first to tell you that this man deserved all the help he received and I would not begrudge him one penny.  My question is why my Sunday School class never thought I deserved help during my year of struggle.  I would have been happy with their prayers.

Sweets told me I should be angry.  He wants me to write a letter to the class.  I am not sure I can.  Sweets says that is what we work on next.

I did remember what  my pastor said referring to how a Baptist church had kicked out of the congregation a recovering alcoholic.  "Baptists shoot their wounded."

The Garden in Decline

I will not be doing any gardening this fall, instead I will be selling my home of more than 50 years. It is not my choice, but what must be done. I have been fighting depression for the last year and a half. Most of the time I have been successful and, with the help of a very good therapist and an antidepressant, almost normal. However, my almost 100 year old home is large and an energy hog. Taxes have tripled since my mother died. The reality is I cannot afford to live here without help for the next couple of years. The primary reason I do not have enough money is the cost of health insurance, more than $800/month just for me.

I reached out to members of the church group that I have belonged to for thirty years, not for money, but for emotional support. What happened next still has shaken me. Total rejection. I spoke with one person in the group who had gone through something similar believing that person would understand. I requested that my present issues not be discussed with the group. I now know everything I said was relayed to the group. The group decision reflects the belief that I am not a true Christian, that my faith is weak. If I were a true Christian, I could pray my way out of my depression. Actually, the fact that I am depressed is evidence of the failure of my faith. I received a brutal email detailing my failings, and that I surely will lose my home and everything else, and making clear that I am on my own. The group will provide no help, not even contact. (I have shown the email to others who agree with my evaluation.) To the group, depression is evidence of sin.

My therapist spent the last six months reassuring me that people cared about me and that I was not a burden. The email took me back to the state I was in six months ago. Only the fact that I know that depression has a physiological source and my faith in the love of God saved me from suicide. Now, I have no church home, no base to build on. I want to assume the best: that the group believes that tough love and prayer is the answer. If so, they are sadly mistaken. I need to know that people care, just a card, a phone call would help me.

I think I will make it through this, but it is by no means certain. I take one day at a time. I tend my garden, but plant nothing new. The chill slowly takes its toll on the summer plantings. Next year, will I have a place to garden? I do have friends that care and cousins that are stepping up to help with the sale of my home. Still, when I most need agape, I am rejected.

God, give me peace. Do not leave me alone.

An Open Letter to Texas Senators

I am a Texan. I had an ancestor who fought at the battle of San Jacinto and died in the Mexican-American War. One great-great grandfather fought for the Confederacy and walked home to central Texas from Louisiana after the war. One great-great grandfather provided the only vote against secession in his county and remained a staunch Unionist all his life. Like many Texans, I have Native American blood although now much diluted. My ancestors were Cherokee and Choctaw. Some of my ancestors served as Texas Rangers.

Why do I provide this information? I do not want to be dismissed as some johnny-come-lately liberal whose views are not representative of Texans.

Plenty of us believe as I do, but in Texas today our voices are dimmed because those of conservatives are so much louder and better organized. Our time is coming. The change can be seen in our legislature as the demographics shift to the urban and minorities.

With all this said, I wish to address my two Senators. I have only one question: Are you doing your best for the citizens of this nation?

From my perspective, you are not.

Senator Cronyn, you were a yes-man to George Bush, now you have become a no-man to Barack Obama. Senator Cronyn, you have not had a positive statement this year. Your goal is partisanship; split the voters, scare the voters to elect more Republics.

We are in an economic crisis, where are the statemen?

Once I thought you, Senator Kay Bailey Hutchinson, were a moderate, but that was before you planned to run for Governor of Texas. Now, you parrot the conservative Republic line that the stimulus bill has spending that is not stimulative.

After reviewing the statements of many economists, the one certainty I have come away with is that all government spending provides stimulus. The only misstep in the New Deal occurred when FDR reduced government spending to balance the budget. We need the new stimulus bill.

I ask you, my Senators, to forget your personal gain and become statesmen that put your country's welfare before your own.