Walking the Black Dog

I have been "walking the black dog" lately. I am broke, my health is going and I see nothing better ahead. This world has no place for people without money.

I have made so many mistakes that I guess I deserve this bleak future. I never worried before because I always believed God would take care of me. Now, I fear that he does not care for the individual, only for his grand plan. Our reward must be in heaven then, not here.

Somehow, I think that there should be help for the individual. I learned when I faced our city council though that government doesn't care for the rights of the individual. I was told that directly by numerous city council assistants.

Who do we matter to, then?

Not friends. They are all afraid I will ask them for money. Not family. No one even pays attention to whether I am dead or alive. Not my church. You must have money even to attend a senior activity. It is a sin to be in need, not successful.

To God, who does not answer? I just don't understand anymore.

Media Against Senator Clinton

I was channel hopping today and found MSNBC once more going after Senator Clinton. Tim Russert had two guests who really had their knives out for her. There was no one to present to voice opposition to the comments or to give Senator Clinton’s true views. This was one-sided journalism at its worst. Evidently, NBC has dropped all pretense of fairness. Senator Obama is their candidate and their goal is to get him elected by destroying Senator Clinton.

I did not start out as a fan of Senator Clinton, but after my favorite candidate withdrew I realized my choice was between Senator Clinton and Senator Obama. I believed that Senator Clinton’s health plan was superior, so I decided to vote for her.

The media’s treatment of Senator Clinton has turned me into an ardent supporter. The male bias against Senator Clinton is mind-blowing. A good example is Keith Olbermann. One night in the last two weeks he went on a rant about someone in the Clinton camp saying that Fox news was fairer to Senator Clinton. How could that be he said, then listed every bad thing he claimed Fox had said about Senator Clinton. It was indeed a laundry list of negativity. Of course, what he neglected to point out was that Fox has been just as negative about Senator Obama, so the laundry list Olbermann could have given concerning Senator Obama was not mentioned. Conveniently, that left only a negative list about Senator Clinton in the minds of the viewers. I believe that was the whole point of his rant. Fox News is indeed fairer.

This morning Bob Schieffer went out of his way to state that Senator Clinton was telling superdelegates that Senator Obama could not be elected because of his race. Never has anyone come forward that has said that Senator Clinton even hinted that race was the disqualifier. Experience, Reverend Wright, but not race, may limit Senator Obama’s capabilities. Schieffer offered absolutely no corroboration for his statement, but now that thought has been planted in CBS viewers’ minds. The good, old boys are really at work.

The big networks may succeed in making Senator Obama the next Democratic Party candidate for President, but I, for one, will not forget their shabby treatment of Senator Clinton, nor, their equally ludicrous treatment of women in general. If the networks wish to reduce their market share, they have found the right approach. Instead of turning on a news channel or watching the national news at six, I turn to the internet. I expect this to continue as long as men control the networks, but I will not forget.

County Democratic Convention in Texas

I attended the Democratic Party County convention on March 29th. To say it was chaos is an understatement. A twenty minute drive turned into an hour and a half because of a traffic bottleneck. When I reached the Expo Center where the convention was being held, all the close handicapped parking was gone. Absolutely no provision had been made for people like me. I was using a walker, not a wheelchair, so distance from the meeting place was very important. I did manage to make the walk from my car to the Expo Center, but only because I had taken a potent painkiller before I left home. I wonder how many gave up either waiting in the traffic jam or when they realized how far they would have to walk. I do think this location discriminated against the old and the handicapped and therefore against Clinton supporters. I do not think this was a coincidence.

I was directed to the wrong line to check in. Luckily, I used my walker shamelessly to cut in front of people. I really hate to do that, but the ball of my femur is dying and has partially collapsed, so I am walking on dying bone. I cannot stand for any length of time. When I reached the correct line, my name was not on the list. More frustration.

I went looking for my precinct in an arena that was not designed for the handicapped. I entered on the north side, my precinct was on the south side. I could not walk across the arena because the only way down to the arena floor were steep steps. Around the arena I trudged. I was so thankful I had taken the painkiller because even with it, I was hurting.

I reached the other side of the arena and discovered that my precinct was at the top of the bleachers, at least twenty or more steep steps away. As I stared upward, a true gentleman asked if he could help. I told him if he could carry my walker up, I would be grateful. He agreed. Without the walker, I clutched the railing and worked my way up. Once I reached my precinct, I sat down. The gentleman found a place to store the walker. I knew I would not go anywhere else if I could help it.

One of my fellow delegates offered to help with my credential problem. She took my voter registration card and headed off into the chaos of the arena. I really doubted that I would get to vote.

Our precinct was not only high up, but also directly under the air conditioning vents. As the day wore on I got colder and colder, but there was no escape. The narrow metal benches were icy cold and very uncomfortable. Truly, the convention site had been picked for the young and healthy.

Miracles do happen. The woman who took my voter registration card returned with an election official who was able to sign me in and give me a delegate card. I could vote.

The Obama supporters outnumbered us 54 to 14. Three of the Clinton supporters did not show, perhaps discouraged by the crowds or just the location. Nevertheless, we were able to elect one delegate for Clinton out of the five for our entire precinct. We could not elect an alternate.

As I looked at the younger Obama supporters, I came to believe that these caucus sessions are inherently discriminatory because they favor the young, who do not have family commitments, the healthy, who can withstand the physical challenges, and the wealthy because they can afford to hire assistance at home, so they are free to participate.

Senator Clinton, Drop-out, and Senator Obama, Drop-out

I have grown weary of the media and Obama's supporters constant chant of "Drop-out Hillary." Time and again, commentators whine that Senator Clinton cannot win, that the way they calculate she will not have as many delegates as Senator Obama by the time of the Democratic convention. What these pundits neglect to say is that Senator Obama cannot win either. By convention time, he may be ahead in delegates but he will not have enough to win the nomination without the vote of the superdelegates. Neither can win without the superdelegates.

Obama supporters are especially disingenuous, saying that for the good of the party, Senator Clinton should drop-out. The only good they are thinking of is their candidate's. The media parrots the Obama line. Many people in states that have not voted yet in the Democratic Party process want to be able to participate. Those people have a right to have their votes count, too. What do the Obama people fear? A dismal showing in the final primaries by their candidate? Is that why they want to disenfranchise so many?

I suggest that Senator Obama drop-out in the interest of the party. His unknowns are coming home to roost. By the time he reaches the main event, independents will be running to McCain. Let's put it bluntly, he is losing the independent white vote because of his association with a church that seems to have harbored anti-American sentiments. In the last week, three different people I know well, not Democrats, not Republicans, have told me that they can no longer support Obama. Everyone admired his speech on race, everyone thought it did not address the issue.

I can understand staying with a church despite the pastor, but that was not Senator Obama's explanation. He stayed because he had not heard the pastor's hate speech. Once he heard that speech, he did not leave because the pastor had retired. I would have argued that a church is not the pastor, that a church is its people. A church with wonderful people that tolerates an aging pastor is one scenario, a church that endorses the preaching of an intolerant pastor is another. I am not clear which describes Senator Obama's church.

All the pro-Obama pundits are saying that the Reverend Wright fiasco is over. I don't think so. I think that it is less important to Democrats than to independents and to Republicans fed up with George Bush. If Senator Obama is the nominee, I fear how his pastor's and his wife's words will be used against him. Yes, that is the other topic that comes up with the independents that I know, Mrs. Obama's statements. Sad to say, I think what people say to pollsters may not reflect how they will vote. We must wait for the next primary.

The Democratic Party has a process in place with which to select its nominee. The nominee is not the person that reaches the convention with the most votes in hand, the nominee is the person that collects 2024 votes at the convention. Let's wait for the actual vote.

Hip Replacement

Well, I need a new hip. The bone disease, Legg-Perthes,I had as a child has finally won. The ball of the joint has collpased. In the X-ray, the top of the femur looked like a partially deflated football squashed against the socket with no space between the bones. Yes, that hurts. The orthopedist believes that there is also aseptic necrosis. The bone is dying.

Beside the pain, I noticed that my left leg has suddenly become shorter. I no longer have the range of motion I had a year ago. In all, my leg condition is pretty depressing.

The only humor was the fact that my doctor saw the X-ray before he saw me and looked for my wheelchair when he entered the examining room. When I said I did not use a wheelchair, he asked how far I could walk. I explained that I walked wherever I needed to. He said I was tough.

I go back in six weeks to set up a time for the surgery. Of course, there is another small problem. I do not have the money to pay my deductible before the surgery. The only insurance available to me is so expensive that I needed to select a high deductible. Now, I am not sure what I will do.

When my mother was ill, and I asked for assistance, I found out just how ungenerous people are. I was so humiliated by my friends and family that I will never, never ask anyone for help again. I understand that not having money in this society makes you a complete failure, unworthy of help. So be it.

Chris Matthews Supports Rush Limbaugh

I was channel hopping and actually stopped on Chris Matthews' show probably because I was slightly befuddled by the painkiller I am taking to relieve the unrelenting hip pain from a childhood bone disease. What I heard astounded me. Chris Matthews, who takes every opportunity to denigrate Senator Clinton, was cheering on Rush Limbaugh. Why? Because Limbaugh has been claiming that he has persuaded Republics (not Republicans until they use Democratic) to cross party lines and vote for Senator Clinton. Matthews agreed.

Matthews alleged that Senator Clinton's win in Texas could be attributed solely to Republics voting for her. This was after he stated that Republics split evenly between Senator Obama and Senator Clinton. If both Democratic candidates recieved equal numbers of Republic votes, then the crossover vote was a wash. The difference between the candidates was in their appeal to the base.

Matthews made a great deal out of the fact that percentage wise, Senator Clinton received more Republic votes than in previous primaries. He attributed this change to Rush Limbaugh. I do not. My belief from speaking with Republic friends (my Sunday School class is full of them) is that they decided to (1) vote in the Democratic primary because they believed McCain had the Republic nomination sewn up, so did not need their vote, and (2) vote for Senator Clinton because they believe that the Democratic nominee will be President and they would rather have Senator Clinton as President. I was surprised at the second decision, but found that my Republic friends see Senator Obama as a unknown, radical element. To them, Senator Clinton is the devil they know and would rather choose.

Interestingly, the Republics that were most eager to vote in their own primary, that I know, voted for Huckabee. There was not much enthusiasm for McCain. Have no doubt, Texas will go Republic in the fall. My vote will not count because of the electoral college.

That Chris Matthews would support the actions of a right wing talk show host to wreck the selection process of the Democratic party speaks to how far right MSNBC has slipped and how much Matthews hates Senator Clinton. I will try to avoid MSNBC just as I avoid Rush Limbaugh on the radio.

Obama's Speech

I listened to Senator Obama's entire speech this morning. He is a skillful orator, but he lost me early when he compared Geraldine Ferraro's brief comments to Reverend Wright's many tirades. That comparison so jarred me, that I never could fully commit to believing what he was saying. Just when I was starting to feel that he was sincere, he injected his grandmother. Again, the comments he compared from his grandmother were mild indeed compared to Reverend Wrights' outpouring of hate. That he could equate the two, made me question his judgment.

Far from reassuring me, the speech reinforced an early impression that Senator Obama has issues with older women in positions of authority. In an interview at the beginning of the campaign, I listened as he condescendingly spoke of Hillary's mood swings. I have heard that tone and words used to keep women in their "place" too many times. At that moment, he lost my support.

I admire Senator Obama for not deserting his friend and mentor. Senator Obama delineated the problems of race in this country brilliantly. He did not reassure me as to his own racial views because he did not provide any instances when he confronted Reverend Wright on his extreme views or examples of times when he publicly distanced himself from those views before this campaign. I suspect this is so because such instances never occurred.

On the whole, I think Senator Obama took an unfair hit on his pastor. I do not think he has yet defused that issue. I fear if he is the Democratic Party's candidate that this will hurt his chance to be President.

Senator Obama and Reverend Wright

I have watched the videos of Reverend Wright and do find them to be disturbing and sometimes racist. I sense a deep seated hatred of those that were abusive in the past being transferred to both the still guilty and the innocent because they are white.

The Lord's prayer asks God to forgive our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us. We are to love our enemies and pray for them. I wish Reverend Wright had remembered all that before he preached those sermons. Nevertheless, I do believe he follows Christ just as I do. Just like me, he does it with all his imperfections. We all fall short.

With all that said, I understand Senator Obama's dilemma. I helped start a church almost thirty years ago along with about twenty others. The man who was our pastor and took all the credit for starting the church was a brilliant preacher. His words brought me closer to Christ. He never said anything in the pulpit that offended general sensibilities, but he did challenge us.

Outside the pulpit, he said and wrote things that I found deeply offensive, things I did not believe, and that I did not want to be associated with. Some I called him on, some I was so appalled at that I thought best not to discuss it with him. Only once did I consider leaving the church. I did not because this church was not the pastor. The church was and is people who I love and trust, not because they are so perfect, but because they are not. They struggle to find their way in this world and to do it as Christ would have us act.

I did not leave the church because I also knew the man my pastor was. He was kind and generous, truly a person who would not deliberately hurt another. He loved God and loved his people. That his words were sometimes not as generous as his soul made me angry and sad. Angry because his words spoke of prejudice, sad because he could not see that.

So, I understand how Senator Obama could belong to a church where he did not believe as the pastor did. I think he is taking an unfair hit on this. Remember, I support Senator Clinton. I do find it a little disingenuous that he claims he did not know about his pastor's views. However, I can remember being shocked to learn some of my pastor's comments.

Senator Obama needs to refute directly all of his pastor's outrageous statements. He needs to distance himself from the words, but not the man. Politically, I don't know if he can do that. As a Christian, I know he can. In the end, to be President, he may have to dump his friend. How sad.

For a New York Times article on Senator Obama's comments on Reverend Wright click on the title.

MSNBC: Males Superior No Broad Capable

I have decided to stop watch MSNBC and NBC news because of their news coverage of the Clinton-Obama campaign. The final straw came when Chris Matthews stated that the red phone ad was racist, aimed at white moms with sleeping children who would fear a black man. Never in my wildest imagination when I saw that ad did I ever think of that. I only thought of foreign policy and Barack Obama 's inexperience. I have come to believe that the media is driving the search for racism everywhere and anywhere. Don't get me wrong, I live in Texas, and there is plenty of racism left here, but that is no excuse for such wild flights of fancy as take place on MSNBC.

The main talking point is that Senator Clinton will never catch Senator Obama in pledged delegate votes, so she cannot win the nomination. What they usually leave out is the fact that Senator Obama cannot win enough pledged delegate votes to win the nomination either. Both nominees will need the so-called super delegates. By the way, the Democratic Party is not a branch of government, the Party can decide to select its candidate in any manner it chooses. The commentators need to cool the rhetoric about the process being undemocratic. As long as the party rules are followed the process is fair.

Finally, I have grown weary of how women are treated by NBC. The only women newsreaders are right leaning, uninformed blondes. One dismissed the issue of experience between Obama and Clinton as what does it matter they are the same. We may argue about exactly how much experience each has, but Senator Clinton had been in the Senate longer and met with more international leaders. There is a difference. How much it matters can be argued, but she does have more experience, if for no other reason than she has lived longer. I dare NBC to acknowledge that. Intelligent women are not allowed to speak unless they agree with the male commentator. Chris Matthews has steamrolled his women guests for years. I won't even go into what I think of Keith Olberman and his treatment of Senator Clinton.

I have stopped watching NBC news because if MSNBC can be so unbalanced, the the values of NBC news are suspect. In addition,I have always thought there was something lacking in a news channel that ceases to do the news on weekends and instead relies on docufillers. I firmly believe that NBC's motto is Males Superior No Broad Capable. By the way, B doesn't really stand for broad, it stands for b****( rhymes with itch). Eventually, someone at NBC will look at demographics and realize they are driving women viewers away. I hope it happens soon.

Photo by chetlyzarko

What Happened? I'm a Clinton Delegate

Never deny that God has a sense of humor. I have been less than a happy camper about this whole political process. I have been enraged by the way Senator Clinton has been treated because she is a woman. I thought some of Barack Obama's remarks about her had a tinge of sexism. I firmly believe that her proposal for health insurance is better than Obama's. He is wrong to let healthy people opt out, so that only the sick carry the burden of health insurance. With all that and after reading the story of Deborah and Barak in the Old Testament, I decided to vote for Senator Clinton which I did last week during early voting.

Yesterday for no really good reason, I decided to go to the caucus. While my mother was alive and I was her caregiver, I never felt it worthwhile to leave her alone or to get someone to stay with her while I went to a caucus. I received a canned phone call from Senator Clinton that advised going to the precinct by 6:30pm. Off I went. I did make one concession to my failing hip: I took mother's walker with a seat. I was very glad that I did. When I reached the polling place which was an old school cafeteria, I took a seat in the rear. Soon a poll worker hustled us all out into a hallway. Thanks to the walker, I could sit down. Without it, I could not have stayed. Someone should pay attention to the needs of the handicapped. From my vantage, the disabled are not welcome in this part of the Texas political process. There were no accomodations for the elderly or handicapped.

We waited. At 7:15 pm, an election worker came to the door for volunteers to help register voters as they made their selection. More waiting, except now I was on my feet. Just when I thought I had reached my limit (my hip is very painful), we were let in. I was in the front because I had arrived so early, so I did not wait long to enter my vote. I retreated to the rear of the room and a seat on my walker. I looked at the two sets of lines: one set for Obama, one for Clinton. Clinton's lines had an end; Obama's lines stretched out the door. ( There was a short line for people who did not want either Clinton or Obama or had problems with their voting record.)

Suddenly, a large number of Clinton supporters joined the lines. I was elated until I learned that there were several hundred people waiting outside to vote. These Clinton supporters were the only ones culled from that group. A young couple joined me and found some chairs. For the first time in my life, I had the feeling I was being looked after. Oh, well, they were very nice and very young, but they, too, supported Clinton. The voting went on and on. All the Clinton supporters had voted, so their lines were converted to Obama's. Some Obama supporters were suspicious of the Clinton lines and refused to go to the new lines. They need not have worried; you have to personally write in your candidate's name. Eventually, the additional lines made a difference and the voting was complete.

More waiting. And waiting. The votes had to be counted. Oh, there was a skirmish over who would chair, but the Obama people won. Their chair did seem pretty even-handed. The secretary elected by the caucus was a Clinton supporter. The votes were counted and recounted. There were arguments over how the delegates should be divided and more arguments, but all very civil. I wanted to stay to find out the results so I waited, then waited some more. A little after nine, there was a decision. The delegates would be divided: 76% for Obama, 24% for Clinton. There were a total of 611 votes cast, a record for that precinct.

People were asked to come forward if they wished to be a delegate. We were divided by candidate. There was a mob of people for Obama, but fewer for Clinton. Clinton supporters came up one short. The leaders asked if someone there could attend and gave the date and a vague location. I raised my hand expecting others to be raised, too. I did not see any, and the young couple next to me leapt to their feet, shouting that here was the needed delegate. They both pointed to me. The next thing that I knew I was filling in my name and information. I was a Hillary Clinton delegate.

The photos are by mlovitt and not my precinct.

Gender Bias

I have watched, listened to and read the various pundits expounding on why Senator Hillary Clinton is treated with less respect than Senator Barack Obama because she is a Clinton, not because she is a woman. Or because she was the front runner, so deserved less consideration. All I can say is stuff it. I have been there, done that.

I could give years of discrimination experience from the time I entered college until today. I have been told that a man who did not meet the qualifications of the job for which I met every qualification had been hired because he needed the job and I would not fit in with the small faculty (all male). Of course, this was told mein confidence. I have been by my host that the only reason I was interviewed was because they needed to have a woman interviewed, but I understood: a woman would never make it at the plant (big oil company). The list goes on. I quit science when I could no longer stand the hypocrisy. I had one professor tell me I was the most brilliant student that he had ever taught thermodynamics, but he would only write a letter of recommendation for me if I promised that I would never seek a position in his laboratory. He could not stand the thought of a woman in his lab. I promised because I did not want to have anything to do with the man. He did write a very good recommendation.

McCain lost any chance of my support when he laughed at the "bitch" remark. I bet he never thought of his lobbyist friend as a bitch. Barack Obama turned my stomach when he spoke of Hillary's moods. Too often, he is condescending. He has two daughters. How does he want them to be treated when they are adults?

The media annointed Obama and dissed Senator Clinton. The television pundits are the worst about gender bias. They use terms to refer to Senator Clinton that they would not use to refer to a man that did exactly the same thing. Senator Clinton is "playing the victim", while a man is "on the defensive", etc. MSNBC is perhaps the epitome of this male chauvinism. MSNBC should stand for "males superior no bitches capable."

A strong, African American male is perceived as less a threat to the status quo than a strong woman because African Americans are a small percentage of the American population while women are more than half the population. We are a nation that devalues women and their contributions. Today, the discrimination is more subtle, but just as real. Young women just don't realize it, so they will vote for Obama.

I plan to vote for Senator Clinton.

Photo by marcn

Changing Faiths

The New York Times had an article today on people changing faiths. Click on the title to go to that article. The article's focus seemed to be on people leaving their faith and the increase of people that are unattached to a faith group.

This made me think about my pilgrimage through faith. I was baptized at eleven in a very traditional Baptist church. By the time I reached my teens, I no longer felt that I belonged. I asked questions that did not get answered or I was told were not appropriate. All the questions were about theology. I planned to be a scientist. I could not reconcile my faith and science. With no answers from my faith, I withdrew. I was no longer sure of the veracity of Christianity. I did not lose my belief in God, but he settled comfortably into the guise of the clockmaker.

I had a Ph.D. in Chemistry at twenty-five. My supervising professor had been a Presbyterian who tried in vain to get me not to do research on Sundays. I accepted a postdoctoral fellowship under a Jewish professor. I covered his classes on Jewish holy days. We never discussed faith, but I knew that except for his mother and father, all his family perished in the Holocaust. He did ask me to hold office hours for some of his Arab students who had told him they were uncomfortable with him and requested my help. I did hold office hours for him that whole semester and always had students requesting help.

Eventually, I went to work for the State of Texas in air pollution control. My paternal grandmother died after a battle with cancer. I began to search for a source of faith. I examined Buddhism, Hinduism and some of the Chinese faiths. I touched on Wiccan, then picked up a book by C.S. Lewis: The Screwtape Letters. For the first time, I was intellectually engaged with Christianity. I went on to read more books and eventually joined a liberal Southern Baptist church. I made a new commitment to Christ that continues to this day. While I still belong to a church affiliated with the Southern Baptist Convention, I do not consider myself a Southern Baptist. I am Baptist, part of the priesthood of the believer.

If I had been polled in those years between my teens and my return to Christ, I would have been classified as agnostic or perhaps unbelieving. I doubt that I would have considered myself a Deist, just undecided. I suspect that as many of the people in this study age, they will find their faith anew.

Embryonic Stem Cells and My Faith

My mother had Parkinson's Disease (PD) for sixteen years. She died from PD in 2005, but she had slipped away from me in small increments for years. Her PD made me interested in the possibilities of stem cell research, especially embryonic stem cell research. As a Christian, I was also concerned about the ethics of embryonic stem cell research. After studying both the science and the ethical issues, I came to firmly support embryonic stem cell research.

First, I dealt with the science. Was the promise of embryonic stem cells real? Yes. Embryonic stem cells can become any cell in the body. If scientists could learn the secrets of embryonic stem cells, then any cell in the body could be replaced. If embryonic stem cells could be coaxed to become dopamine producing neurons, then Parkinson's disease could be treated. The potential was there. Only time and new research would prove the efficacy. Embryonic stem cell research also provided a way to gain insight into the cause of disease. How much better to prevent the disease from ever happening than to have to cure it.

Next, I dealt with the ethics of stem cell research. To date, the best way to get embryonic stem cells was to harvest them from a less than fourteen day old fertilized egg. This procedure destroyed the fertilized egg, so the question I had to face was whether I believed that a fertilized egg was a human being or, most importantly for me, had a soul. If the fertilized egg were a human being or had a soul, then, no matter the benefits, I could not support stem cell research.

I looked both to my faith and science for the answer. Psalm 39 says "He knit me together in my mother's womb." I understand that to mean that only in the womb does a fertilized egg become a human being and receive a soul. That was scant justification. The Bible also states that we are created in God's image. Scholars have interpreted this to mean that the image of God is our mind. There is no mind present in a fourteen day old embryo, no central nervous system, no brain. This helped, but did not decide the issue for me.

Science ultimately provided the key for me. We now know that fifty percent of all eggs fertilized naturally during a woman's lifetime do not implant. So, if a fertilized egg had a soul, God was letting half of all souls be wasted. I simply do not believe the God I know would act so capriciously. For me, the issue was decided. I could support embryonic stem cell research wholeheartedly.

I do not know when an embryo receives a soul. I know that it does not happen before it implants in the womb.

"Study Finds Cancer Diagnostics Linked to Insurance"

A study (above title is link to NYTimes article) has shown that people without insurance or with only Medicaid are diagnosed with cancer later than people with good health insurance. This results in more cancer deaths in those covered by Medicaid. As I have noted before here, I believe this is the system desired by business and the Republican controlled government. What better way to remove people who are not productive than to let them die because of poor medical care. This also reduces the cost of care for these people because they do not live long enough to use as much care as they would if diagnosed early. All in all, a very good way to winnow the population.

Austin Presidential Debates

The Democrats are holding a debate between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama in Austin, Texas. There will be 100 tickets available for the public. The spokesman for the Democratic Party said on television that the number was limited because of safety concerns. If I used profanity, I would use it now. Barack Obama has had huge rallies in Austin. Hillary Clinton has been drawing crowds all over Texas. The tickets to the public are not limited because of safety concerns. The tickets to the public are limited because the Democratic Party in Texas wants to hand out these tickets to their select, just as old party bosses handed out favors in years past.

The Democratic Party in Texas has been so afraid of offending the Republican majority that they offer only token opposition. The Democratic Party in Texas is a hollow shell filled with politicians of questionable merit.
The party structure does not want new ideas or new blood that might upset the status quo. They do know how to make money: you can buy tickets to a private debate viewing party.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton obviously don't want the public either. I am sure they will reward big money donors with tickets. Whatever their rhetoric, their true constituencies will be there, the wealthy and the well-connected. The poor, the handicapped, the elderly will not be allowed. The audience must have the proper image.

I will vote for the Democratic candidate for President because of the potential to fill vacancies on the Supreme Court. I doubt that once elected that they will do anything for most people. Just like tickets to the debate, benefits will go to business and the well-connected.

Faith Healing

I had an indirect experience with faith healing when I was a child. I had to use a wheelchair because of a bone disease, Legg-Perthes or necrosis of the femur. One weekend afternoon, my mother and I were coming home from the park (You can fly a kite from a wheelchair). Mother was pushing me in my wheelchair. A car passed us, then pulled to the curb. A well-dressed, older man got out and came over to us. He handed mother a business card and explained that he was with the Oral Roberts crusade in town that week. There would be a healing service tonight. He suggested that she bring me. Mother politely declined. I thought that was the end of the conversation.

The man persisted. He asked me what was wrong with me. At eleven, I was only too happy to engage an adult in conversation. I babbled the name of my disease and how it had affected me. The man visibly brightened as I talked. He beamed at my mother and told her that many children with my malady had been healed through Reverend Roberts. She must bring me to the service. Mother told him the truth. We did not have a car; we probably would not come.

"That is not a problem," the man said. "We can send a car for you."

My mother smiled, her sweet smile that meant she was up to no good. "I do appreciate that, but I can arrange transportation. Now, I need to get home."

"Do come. Your child will be healed," the man called after us.

I already knew that we were not going. Mother's march home told me she was upset. When we reached our house, she explained. "God can heal you. I always pray for that. You don't need a faith healer."

Some weeks later, I had my regular check-up with my orthopedist. Not much had changed. I was surprised when he brought up Oral Roberts. Mother recounted our experience. I think the doctor looked at her with new respect.

"You know your child could walk now, but it would do irreparable damage to the bone. There have been children who think they have been healed by faith healers. These children leave their wheelchairs and walk.
None have been healed. You did the right thing."

Eventually, my femur did heal, not perfectly, but well enough for me to be able to walk. Mother and I did not discuss that encounter with the recruiter for Oral Roberts for many years. When we did, I thanked her for being so sensible. She just smiled that sweet smile.

Bad Days

My mother died three years ago today. She had fought Parkinson's disease for over sixteen years. I was her caregiver. I was with her early in the morning as life slipped away. I held her hand and petted her head. I don't know if she knew I was there, but that doesn't matter. She was not alone when she died, that is what matters. I have been alone ever since.

Tornadoes

Last night, so many people died because of nature's wrath. All I can do is pray for their loved ones in this time of sorrow. Tornadoes ripped through communities in the middle of the night. Because I live in Texas, I have been in a tornado's path several times, but I personally have never been punished by those fierce winds.

I have seen one dip out of low hanging clouds behind us as we drove home from the country. I have seen the path of a tornado through the countryside that looked like a giant lawnmover had been driven cross country. Instead of twisted grass from the rotary blades, there were twisted trees. That tornado started in open country, then whirred through a small town. Luckily, no one died.

I have made my mother sit in the hallway (the center of the house) with the family pets around her as we listened to the wind howl and the radio broadcast the nearness of a twister. Strangely, I never was afraid. That destroyer passed us by with no damage. Will I always be so lucky?

Tornadoes are a reminder of how fragile our world really is. We are so sure that we are in control of our destiny. We make plans that assume a world unchanged. Tornadoes, whirling fingers of death, obliterate
our structures and our lives.

We need to worry less about the second coming, the rapture, and the millenia, and more about the present. We need to help others today because there may be no tomorrow. We need to pray for all those injured by nature's untamed ways. We need to thank God for the moment. We need to acknowledge how fleeting life can be and savor the now.

Stuck in the Baptistry

When I was eleven, I committed my life to Jesus. (I would do so again as an adult, but that is another story.) My Presbyterian grandmother was not happy that her only grandchild was about to become a Southern Baptist. My mother enlisted the aid of the pastor to convince her that I should be baptized.

The pastor and my grandmother had a long, serious discussion about the two faiths, but my grandmother was not convinced. The pastor looked at me, then turned to my grandmother and said, "A little more water won't hurt her." My grandmother laughed and agreed.

Now, there were some difficulties about my baptism. I had a bone disease, Legg-Perthes, and was either in a wheelchair or on crutches because I could not use my left leg. It was decided that I would be the first one baptized that particular Sunday, so that I could enter the baptistry with the curtains drawn. That worked just fine except that my crutches slipped a little on the metal baptistry. The pastor steadied me, and I handed my crutches to a helper.

The baptism went forward without a problem. I was an avid swimmer and had no fear of water. Getting dunked was no big deal. I cannot say that I felt any different. I was focused on the problem of getting out of the baptistry.

The helper handed me my crutches, and I planted the firmly as I made my way to the steps out of the baptistry. They slid a little each time but held. When I reached the first step, I really pushed the crutches down. The crutches did not move as I pushed myself onto the first step. I pulled on the crutches to bring them to the step. The crutches did not move. I was stuck. The suction cups were sealed to the metal floor. I jerked and the crutches came free with a sound I have never heard duplicated -- a metal flexing and releasing, groaning plop. No one in the congregation made a sound. I had to repeat the process for one more step. The noise was just as horrendous. At the top of the steps, the helper reached down and dried my crutches tips. I had no more problems with sticking.

Years later as I confronted my doubts about Christianity, I would contemplate that baptism and its meaning. I would never forget the grace of that congregation that did not laugh at my predicament. Theirs was a gift I still appreciate.

Uncertainty

Who will I support for President? I had been leaning toward John Edwards, but he dropped out. I cannot support any Republican because I fear who any of the Republican candidates would appoint to the Supreme Court. Realistically, I am left with Hillary or Barack. Because I live in Texas ( a Republican state), my vote will not count, so maybe I should forget about the Presidential race.

Still, there is a small chance that my vote might count in the Democratic primary, if Super Tuesday does not determine the Democratic nominee. I will have to study both candidates positions. My focus will be health care and stem cell research, but I also need a better feel for both candidates character.

I read the story of Deborah and Barak in Judges. Are we looking at a modern day parallel? My intellect says that is ridiculous; my heart says God speaks to us in mysterious ways. I will have to think and pray on this.
Choice can be so difficult.

A Cynical View

I have already grown weary of the political races. There is something wrong with a system that disenfranchises those of us who live in states that do not have early primaries. If you live in a state that is primarily Democratic or Republican, then even in the Presidential contest your vote does not count if you are in the minority party.

I live in Texas. If I vote for the Democratic candidate in the national election, my vote means nothing. If I vote for the Republican, my vote doesn't mean much more, only adding to a clear majority. Politicians wring their hands over lack of participation, but do nothing to make popular votes count in the main election. Neither party wants to upset the status quo, both are more beholden to big money than to the populace.

I don't see any changes coming soon. There is a lot of talk about change, but no action, no concrete plans. Obama talks change, but would not change the way health insurance is handled. He is satisfied to let insurance companies make life and death decisions. No change there. Hilary Clinton blew health care once, she won't buck the insurance companies. The Republicans don't even care. The more people die because of poor health care, the fewer there are to vote against Republican candidates.

I see no hope in the near future. Only when conditions are so bad that even the poor vote (or the poor are the majority of Americans) will there be a change. We need a strong third party, but that can only come from the grassroots. Americans need to wake up and realize that what's good for business is not good for them. We need to remember that Christ said to care for the least of those among us. Why doesn't this nation care? Where are the Christians?

God of Love

In the last few weeks, I have lost a cousin and a dear friend. My cousin was a committed Christian, my friend a Jew. Some of my Christian friends would tell me only my cousin is with God because only he had accepted Christ as his Savior. I do not believe that. My friend was a sweet, intelligent man that fought a gallant battle with Parkinson's disease. If he is not with God, then surely God is a vindictive being that does not care for his creation. I do not believe that. The God that I know is a God of love, a God that commands us to love him and love our neighbor. The God that I love wants to hold us close and weeps when we stray, just as Jesus wept when he beheld Jerusalem, knowing what was to come for those within that city.

Parkinson's Disease:Failure to Initiate

I attended the monthly Parkinson's support group last Saturday (January 19, 2008). A neurologist spoke, so there was very good attendance. There were several new faces. I met with the caregiver's while the Parkinsonians exercised.

Parkinsonians tend to turn into the world's most accomplished couch potatoes. This fact was worried about by several different caregivers. Some said "I can't get my PDer to exercise." Others said, "He doesn't want to do anything, go anywhere." There was general consternation at this phenomenon.

What the caregivers did not realize was that lack of initiative is very much part of Parkinson's Disease. One of the symptoms of the disease is a failure to initiate. Parkinsonians have a difficulty beginning any task. The result is too often they just sit. Caregivers must help them get started, encourage them to move, and insist they engage in social activities. That is not easy.

I found that having a routine that included activities every day was very important during the sixteen years that I was my mother's caregiver. I was the first up every morning. I woke her at the same time each morning and dispensed her first medicine of the day: her levodopa/carbidopa and other Parkinson's meds. I made sure she was up and on her way to the bathroom before I went to prepare breakfast.

Midmorning, I checked my e-mail while she exercised in the same room. I could prompt her if she needed encouragement. Sometimes, I had to insist she leave the television and join me, so that she could exercise. She always came when I insisted. Early in her battle with Parkinson's she had become a conscientious exerciser with no prompting needed. She changed as the disease progressed.

Every Sunday we went to Sunday School and ate out. This was an important time for her. In a safe setting, she could socialize with people she had known for years. Eating out changed the monotony of my cooking. I purchased an adult bib at a local medical supply house which made eating out much more enjoyable because she did not have to worry about dropping food on her good clothes.

Everyone is different, but I encourage you to have a schedule, both daily and weekly. Stick to it as much as possible. Always remember to help your Parkinsonian begin any activity. Above all, join a support group.

Christian blogs

I have been reading so-called Christian blogs this week. I find too many of them terribly depressing as they try to prove their view of Christianity correct. Many are all too eager to prove that another's beliefs are false. Very few would reach out to those that are not Christian. Many I believe would turn-off a non-believer.

Christ told us to love our neighbor as ourself, then gave the parable of the Good Samaritan. Do we forget that Jews of Christ's day did not believe that Samaritans were true believers? I believe that Christ was telling us that the fine points of theology are less important than how we treat others.

Jesus' command was simple: love God and love our neighbor as yourself. In the parable of the Good Samaritan(Luke 10:30-37), he told us who our neighbor is. Why don't we understand? Piety does our neighbor no good unless we turn it into action.

For me, the saddest blogs are by women who apologize to any man who might read their blogs and think that these women presume to teach men. Christ treated women as equals. The first to see the risen Christ was a woman. Only as the church hierarchy formed were women excluded from leadership roles. I believe God speaks to the hearts of men and women equally. Our duty is to heed that call.

Now, I am putting down the real beliefs of others. I am just as wrong. All I need say is that I believe in Jesus Christ, the Word made flesh. I will try to follow his command.

Ethics of Dying:Durable Power of Attorney

Most people, no matter their age, should have a Durable Power of Attorney. This power of attorney lets someone (your agent) manage your financial affairs simultaneously with you. Depending on where you live (I'm only familar with Texas), this power of attorney may be designed to go into effect immediately or not until you are unable to make decisions (a springing power of attorney). In Texas, you may make the decision as to when your power of attorney goes into effect. However, if you do not trust the person you designate to have this power while you are able to manage your affairs, why would you let them do so if you are unable to manage your financial affairs? Also, with a springing power of attorney, there must be additional paperwork to accompany it to show that you are incapacitated (a doctor's statement, etc.). This makes it less likely that the power of attorney will be honored. In Texas, financial institutions sometimes refuse to honor such documents. My preference is a power of attorney that goes into effect immediately.

If it is likely that someone will have to manage your affairs, then it may be better to give your agent signature rights on your financial accounts. This is especially true if the agent is a close relative. Even if you do this, you still need the durable power of attorney. The term durable is used to indicate that within this document there is a statement that says that the power of attorney remains in effect even if you are incapacitated.

A copy of this document should be kept with a copy of your medical power of attorney to take with you if you are hospitalized. In some states, these two documents may be combined into one. The durable power of attorney may be needed so your agent can sign admitting documents, etc. Remember the durable power of attorney is only effective when you are alive.

Because a durable power of attorney is so powerful, I recommend that you discuss its implications with an attorney before executing one. If you choose to do one without an attorney, then just remember that anything you can do with your financial resources, your agent can do, too.

Ethics of Dying: HIPAA Release

One document that I now recommend everyone have is a HIPAA release. HIPAA is the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act. More information on the privacy aspects of HIPAA is available at privacy rights.org. The HIPAA release allows the person designated by the release access to your medical records. Usually, this is the same person that is designated as your agent in your medical power of attorney. The form I have seen also gives access to your medical records to other people designated in powers of attorney for financial affairs, trustees, etc.

Because HIPAA regulates the release of medical information, there is concern that unless specifically mentioned, medical records might not be open to your agent. A medical power of attorney should allow your appointee access, but there are always concerns about an overzealous privacy officer withholding access. So to be safe, if you are having end-of-life documents prepared by an attorney, ask that a HIPAA release be included.

Ethics of Dying: Do Not Resuscitate

I do not recommend that "Do Not Resuscitate" orders be made routinely outside a hospital setting. If someone is in hospice care then DNRs are appropriate at home. In a hospital setting, DNRs are very useful.

Having a DNR will keep extraordinary means from being used. One thing to remember, especially in the elderlty, is that CPR may well break bones which in turn can cause other complications. Most hospitals will allow some mild efforts to be made to keep you alive, such as administration of drugs that stimulate the heart even with a DNR in place, but that must be specified in the order. These are issues to be discussed with your physician, the earlier the better.

I do not recommend DNRs at home because if you are able to live at home and do not have hospice care, then I believe that there are too many variables to decide that no matter what you will not be resuscitated. It is far better to have the person that holds your medical power of attorney make that decision based on the circumstances at the time. Again, this is a personal decision and there is no correct answer, only what you want.

DNRs are only useful if those taking care of you know that you have one. In the hospital, this is not a problem usually. You must have the DNR at hand, if it is to be used at home. If emergency services are summoned to your home, their job is to keep you alive. Whether or not they will honor a DNR will depend on the law of your state. Many in hospice are told not to call emergency services in a crisis, but instead call hospice. This avoids the issue entirely.

Finally, life support can be removed. Even if you do not have a DNR or it has not been used or it has been ignored, you can make the decision to withdraw life support, or if you are not capable of making decisions, the person that holds your medical power of attorney can make that decision.

Ethics of Dying: Advance Directives

Advance directives, living wills, medical powers of attorney, HIPAA releases, Do-Not-Resuscitate orders, etc. have limits. These are written documents that cannot express all your wishes. The best of them, the medical power of attorney, appoints someone to make your decisions if you are not able to make them. All of them can be fought in court. However, if you have chosen the proper person for you medical power of attorney, that person will stand up for you and make sure your wishes are followed.

If there is disagreement within your family about end-of-life decisions, then frank discussions of your wishes are imperative. You do not seek to change the mind of those opposed to your decisions, only that they will honor them. If, in the worst case, it is clear that your wishes will not be followed, then I would put something in writing to the effect that this person is to be excluded from any health care decision pertaining to me. Be sure to sign, have it witnessed and better yet, notarized. Depending on how serious the conflict, this might be an issue to discuss with an attorney.

Advance directives only work if the hospital and the doctors have them. I recommend that a copy be made of each document and kept in a plastic bag in a readily accessible spot, e.g. taped to the door of the refrigerator, in the refrigerator freezer, in the top drawer of your desk, etc. The person with your medical power of attorney should have a copy of all documents and know where the originals are kept. Don't keep originals in a safety deposit box unless the person who holds your medical power of attorney has access to that box. Even then, I think is is better to keep these documents in a safe place in your residence.

Each time you go to the hospital, even if you were recently hospitalized in the same one, have copies of your documents to be put in your chart or records. Make sure that all your doctors are aware you have executed these documents, and most importantly, communicate your wishes directly to the doctor. Doctors will honor your oral directives if at all possible.

Advance directives work if they have not been done in a vacuum, that is, done on paper but never discussed. I have used directives to make decisions about the end of life successfully. The lack of advance directives can make a difficult time even more horrendous. Ease your loved ones burden and have these documents done.

Ethics of Dying: Living Will

In Texas, a living will is a "Directive to Physicians and Family or Surrogates" and allows you to put in legal form your end of life decisions. The Directive divides end of life decisions into two categories, one if you are facing eminent death and the other if you are in a persistent vegetative state. No matter where you live, you need to consider these two categories.

What kind of medical treatment do you want if you have a very limited time to live? Do you opt for comfort? Do you choose a last ditch effort at treatment to prolong your life? There is no correct answer. While I would choose comfort and not a life prolonging treatment because I am a Christian and convinced that death is a door to better existence, I do not believe that should be everyone's choice. I fear that too often societal pressures make it seem that we are misusing resources and somehow wrong to fight for every minute of life. I believe this becomes more prevalent as we age, but quality of life, not age, should be the deciding factor. For this reason, I think you have to consider this choice long before you are enmeshed in medicine's clutches.

I know people who have advanced directives that make it clear that they wish to stay alive at all costs. Others I know do not want hospice. However, I believe the vast majority of people who bother to execute a living will do so because they do not want their life prolonged by artificial means including artificial nutrition and artificial hydration. I find that in the absence of a living will or other clear direction, most families opt for all life prolonging measures.

More difficult for me is to decide what you want done if you are in a persistent vegetative state. As I understand this state, you are never expected to regain consciousness, but you will not die if you are given artificial nutrition and artificial hydration and personal care. This is difficult because here we confront the imperfections of science. In extreme cases, there is no doubt that the person will never recover, but we all know cases where there has been a seemingly miraculous recovery. My choice would be no artificial nutrition and no artificial hydration: let me die. I do not think that is the correct choice for everyone. Only an individual can make that choice for themselves. In the absence of a directive or other clear directions, every effort should be made to keep someone in a vegetative state alive. Again, make your wishes known in a living will.

Ethics of Dying: Medical Power of Attorney

I made end of life decisions for both my grandmothers and my mother. My paternal grandmother died from stomach cancer back in the seventies. She did not have any of the legal documents available today. Everything was done on the basis of her wishes in a tacit agreement with her doctor and the hospital. There were no extraordinary measures taken, but everything was done to keep her comfortable. My mother and I were able to keep her at home until the last few weeks. My mother changed to a night shift (I worked days), so my grandmother was alone each day for only a couple of hours. While my grandmother was weak, her mind was clear until the end. The last days were difficult as she needed more and more pain medication. She turned the decision-making over to me, so I opted for her comfort even if it shortened her life by a few days. My mother and I were both with her when she died.

When my maternal grandmother came to live with us many years later, I knew she needed legal documents if I was to make decisions for her. She met with an attorney and had the necessary documents executed. I was designated as her agent in her medical power of attorney. Over the next seven years she lived with us, I would use that medical power of attorney several times including her final illness. In Texas, a medical power of attorney is only effective if the person who executed it is unable to make their own decisions. My grandmother ws competent, if stubborn, most of the time. However, she had several procedures that involved sedation or mild anesthesia. At those times, I took over the decision-making.

At age 96, she had major surgery from which she never recovered. After the surgery, she never really regained consciousness, so I made her choices as to treatment. I acted under the medical power of attorney. All seven of her children were able to visit her before she died. One aunt strongly objected to some of my decisions, but all she did was tell me of her disagreement. She could have done much more. Any legal document can be challenged including living wills and medical powers of attorney. While the courts usually follow the wishes of the person who executed the documents, court disputes can delay end of life decisions. The best way to avoid courtroom showdowns is to make sure your end of life decisions are known to all your immediate family and that these choices are clearly spelled out in the proper documents.

My mother had Parkinson's disease (PD), and after sixteen years PD killed her. I made the decision to keep her comfortable, but nothing more. I am an only child, so there was no one to object. Nevertheless, it was easier to act because I had her medical power of attorney. Friends and family stayed with her in the morning; I stayed every night. I held her while died early one morning. Even as my brain knew I had made the correct decision, my heart told me I had let her go too soon. Only knowing that she did not want machines provided solace.

I believe everyone should execute a medical power of attorney if there is someone that you would trust with your life. I think it is wrong to execute a medical power of attorney unless thought has been given to who will make decisions. Do not wait until you are in the hospital facing life and death decisions. You also need to consider what actions you want your agent to take in different situations and tell whoever holds the medical power of attorney your exact wishes. Do you want artifical nutrition, artificial hydration, a respirator, heroic mesasures to keep your hear going even though some procedures might break ribs? Talk to someone who has used a medical power of attorney. Find out what they faced. Above all, discuss these issues with those around you.

Ethics of Dying: Why me?

I give talks on various topics. One is the Ethics of Dying. One reason I was originally asked to speak on this topic is that I have made end of life decisions for both my grandmothers and my mother. I was with each of them when they died. Intellectually, I can tell you that I have absolutely no problems with the decisions I made in each case. Emotionally, these decisions still have the power to make me second-guess what I did. This is true, even though, I knew the wishes of each of my loved ones.

My maternal grandmother had seven children, but she chose me to make her end of life decisions. I think she understood that her children would never agree and that would create ill feelings. As the oldest grandchild, I knew the dynamics of the family and believe she made the correct choice. One of my aunts did not agree with my choices, but she knew I followed her mother's wishes and did not object. She would have opted for keeping her mother alive by any means as long as possible.

That is my message today. You must communicate with your loved ones. If someone is legally empowered to make these decisions for you, they must know your wishes. If you are to make these decisions for someone else, ask them what they want. This does not mean a simple: "let me die." Modern science can provide a host of options as death nears. Some involve the use of machinery to keep you alive. Do you want to be on a respirator? Think about that now while you are healthy and tell your loved ones. Better yet, put it in writing. A living will is one way to communicate your wishes.

The biggest decisions involve food and water or as I prefer to say: artificial nutrition and artificial hydration. This is a highly personal decision that I believe only the individual can make. I do know that deprived of artificial nutrition and artificial hydration, the body stops fighting and chemicals are released that ease the end. So if I am dying, I do not want artificial hydration or artifical nutrition. How can you expect someone to make these decisions if they have not discussed it with you?

Do you want hospice care? Deciding to use hospice, usually means ending the fight to stay alive. Comfort is the primary goal. Again, something to think about and discuss.

I have seen the decision to administer artificial nutrition and artificial made both ways. I have made it both ways for my loved ones depending on their wishes and the circumstances. I have second guessed myself either way, even though I know I honored their wishes. For this reason. I urge everyone to communicate their end of life desires.

I believe the best way to communicate is by executing the proper legal documents as designated by your state. Most hospitals can supply forms for this and you can always seek an attorney's advice. Other organizations such memorial and burial societies ( http://www.funerals.org) can provide assistance. Just realize that some of these documents are specific to each state. Use those designed for where you live. If you later move, they will be honored, but it is always better to execute those specific to your home state. If nothing else, put your wishes in writing in your own words.